Dear Rachel,
I wanted to take this time to tell you how much you meant to me even though you never saw it. Its 5:00 am here I can't sleep I have been thinking about you alot. I wanted to first tell you how much I believed in you. First of all the love I had for you the perfect analogy would be as follows. When you believe in God, Jesus is either in your heart or He isn't. If you aren't sure you are agnostic. If you don't believe you are atheist. My love for you was the kind of faith I had in God. The kind that is always there. The kind that will never waiver even if I doubt it sometimes. My love for you then, now, and always will be true. I can't say I didn't sit up at night sometimes thinking about if I truly loved you or if I was just in love with the prospect of having a family but I truly loved you and Jonathan. I am sad for whatever reason you felt ashamed of being with me or were afraid of what other people would think if you stayed with me. I was proud and unashamed of my love for you. All I wanted was to grow in love with both of you. I wanted to just leave all of it behind and be with you. There was no money, no amount of fame, good job, or anything I would have held on to that would have kept me from giving my life to you and Jonathan. I don't think you can even fathom how bad you hurt me and how you are still hurting me by denying me forgiveness. I never wanted to do anything in the beginning to hurt you I reacted the way I did because you were being so cruel to me. You were not being sensitive to the fact that I was in mourning and that losing my mother was a big deal even if I was at peace with it. Losing the woman who I loved the most(you Rachel Myatt) was even more devestating because despite not having my mom around, having you and Jonathan around was a blessing and it would have made my life easier. I struggled the couple of months after you left me. I barely ate. The tumor they found in my throat made me very sick even though I am doing better now I still have my days. The holidays were painful because all I thought of was how I missed you and how I wanted to spend them with you. I don't think you ever thought about how much you really did hurt me and how much I loved you. All I know is that you were the one woman I truly loved and despite you reading this sometimes and thinking I want revenge, or hurt, or you to suffer. I don't I still love you with all my heart and I am just the man who was willing to tell the world and make a fuss about you because you meant so much to me. Lots of men want to get back at those who hurt them. I am not one of them. I only wanted to see you prosper and I loved you because I thought you deserved the special love I have, true, unconditional, and patient love I had for you. I thought you saw in all my wounds that I was special and I told you everything and thought that you accepted and wanted to be with me regardless. I am sorry that you took my honesty, my shyness, and conserved attitude as being sad, damaged, and unhappy. September 2nd was the greatest day of my life. The day that I finally got to meet you. I was just scared, I was very shy, and I didn't know what to expect and I was trying to get a feel for my surroundings. I was still in shock that my mom was gone, but dearest Rachel I was the happiest man alive and when you told me that you thought I was sad and unhappy that was the furthest thing from the truth. Remember how I wanted to climb down the waterfall, I had just lost my health insurance because of our President passing the healthcare bill the company I was with stopped the health insurance businessness because they said they would not make any money. So if I had of gotten hurt I was uninsured. I was wearing Converse with no grip or anything and sliding down that ledge so bad but I wanted to do it to be at the bottom with you, and Jonathan, and your Mother. I also have Asthma but it never stops me from doing the things I love like jogging, being a trainer, or working out. I never look at things and say I can't do it. I look at things and say how can I do it and do it the best I can. That is how I felt about loving you Rachel. How could I love you and love you the best. I was the guy who looked at you every morning and thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world and meant it. I appreciated your kisses and being in your arms. I loved playing with Jonathan and hearing about his problems and I just wanted him to be happy. I loved you two Rachel more than you could ever know. Did I deserve to be treated like you treated me? Think about it. I cared for you so much. Remember how I never wanted you to buy a phone card to talk to me. I thought it was a priviledge for such a beautiful wonderful person to even love me I just wanted you to know that you were worth my time and effort and that not distance would keep me from loving you. I remember how we used to send songs to each other. How we talked about Against Me( I still have the shirt they signed for you at Warped Tour I hope you got the postcard they signed for you), Hootie and the Blowfish, and all the other bands we liked or disliked. I loved you for all you were. It didn't matter our differences because in our differences I found strength and wanted to learn about your culture and life. I also wanted you to know that I would have been happy living in Dawson Creek. Sure it is small but I have seen everything in my life that I need to see. I would have rather lived in small town than a concrete jungle away from the drugs, the racist, the congestion. All I wanted was to be with you and Jonathan. I would have visited home a couple times a year but I wanted to live in Canada with you. I wanted to be Jonathan's stepdad and be there for him on a regular basis. I saw what a special child he was and that having someone around to play with him and encourage him along with his wonderful mother would have been beneficial. Despite what you think I am not Mr. Gloom and Doom. I was grieving my mother and I came to be with the one person I thought who loved me. You Rachel Myatt. I came to you for love, encouragement, friendship, and honesty. Why do you think I was so hurt when you tore me down and made all those accusations about how I was feeling when you didn't even know! I was livid and deeply hurt. I loved everything we did together and I really wanted to stay longer and do more with your family because I wanted to know you all and love you all. If you had of only known how much I needed your love, Jonathan's love, and to have that encouragement and to worship and be close to you at the time maybe you would have thought twice about how much I loved you and how much you really did mean to me and about your love for me. I know you do care for me and do love me. I just want you to know that I don't do this to hurt you but to give you insight on how you have deeply hurt, scarred, and changed my life. I can barely trust anyone now. If you really love God you make peace with those you hurt if you can. I have done it many times. It wasn't easy to be humble and to admit you were wrong or for the other person in some cases to admit they were wrong but it was the right thing to do. In our case both of us hurt each other and maybe it puts a strain on the chance for reconciliation and forgiveness but I know that you have a good heart Rachel. I still believe in you. You were and still are in my heart my best friend. I care for you deeply and others still believe in the love I have for you. We can go on like this, me writing blogs, wondering if you read them or you can pick up the phone, email, write a letter anything to start the healing process. I am patient and loving and my heart is with Christ. My love is in the Lord and that is why I haven't given up on you. You will always be my friend, I would take you back as a girlfriend someday too if our friendship was fixed but I wanted you to know it was always about our friendship. You got the ring and the promise because you were my best friend. I wanted to share and do everything with you and Jonathan. I wanted to love you both and do it all with you. I wanted to travel, to worship, to live, love, and learn with you and Jonathan and only the Lord Jesus Christ instilled a love like that in me and that is why it is still here. I dream about you every night and I still care about you that much. When you truly love someone it is not about letting go it is about how you can show them they mean something. I don't take kindly to anyone calling me obsessed or infatuated with them because that is for children and people who don't know self control. I have never doubted my love for you so it is strong and real. I haven't been sitting back not going out with other girls having fun but my heart belongs to you Rachel Myatt. If you take anything from this blog today please know that I love you and Jonathan and I would like to have you back in my life. I want to hear about your days. I want to hear your feelings, I want to know what the last year has been like for you. I want to hear your voice again. Maybe you were scared that a man actually loved you so much and you didn't think it was possible but I do. Nothing will change that and as I have said before I knew from the moment I realized I loved you that you and Jonathan were the ones I would give my life for. I just wished you believed it. I hope your day is blessed and I just wanted to leave you a song and a scripture today. I love you Rachel Myatt. I still believe in you. I know somewhere deep in your heart that you are ready to move on. End the cycle of hurt and come back to me my dearest friend. I won't give up on you I love you that much. I will walk though fire to make peace with you and for us to care about each other again. That is a promise and a testament of my God given love for you and Jonathan. God Bless dearest Rachel.
God Left the Door Open for Forgiveness, Love, and Reconciliation Rachel. My Arms are wide open as my heart is. I Love You
P.S. If you feel that this is ruining your character, defaming you, or hurting you in anyway it was not and never my intent. I am doing this because I truly love you Rachel and Jonathan. I would love to talk to you but this seems to be the only way. If you want to take action against me. I take full responsibility for anything I have said or done. Being a man or woman means you are responsible for your actions. I am and have been doing this as a tribute to my love for you and your son not to bring you down but to make amends and reconciliation with you. I do love you.
Ephesians 2:16
Rachel this is my second favorite song of all time. When I listened to it, it always made me think of how much I loved you. After my mother died before I came to see you. I listened to it and cried alot and thought about how much I loved you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zZ_X-D57YA
I wanted to take this time to tell you how much you meant to me even though you never saw it. Its 5:00 am here I can't sleep I have been thinking about you alot. I wanted to first tell you how much I believed in you. First of all the love I had for you the perfect analogy would be as follows. When you believe in God, Jesus is either in your heart or He isn't. If you aren't sure you are agnostic. If you don't believe you are atheist. My love for you was the kind of faith I had in God. The kind that is always there. The kind that will never waiver even if I doubt it sometimes. My love for you then, now, and always will be true. I can't say I didn't sit up at night sometimes thinking about if I truly loved you or if I was just in love with the prospect of having a family but I truly loved you and Jonathan. I am sad for whatever reason you felt ashamed of being with me or were afraid of what other people would think if you stayed with me. I was proud and unashamed of my love for you. All I wanted was to grow in love with both of you. I wanted to just leave all of it behind and be with you. There was no money, no amount of fame, good job, or anything I would have held on to that would have kept me from giving my life to you and Jonathan. I don't think you can even fathom how bad you hurt me and how you are still hurting me by denying me forgiveness. I never wanted to do anything in the beginning to hurt you I reacted the way I did because you were being so cruel to me. You were not being sensitive to the fact that I was in mourning and that losing my mother was a big deal even if I was at peace with it. Losing the woman who I loved the most(you Rachel Myatt) was even more devestating because despite not having my mom around, having you and Jonathan around was a blessing and it would have made my life easier. I struggled the couple of months after you left me. I barely ate. The tumor they found in my throat made me very sick even though I am doing better now I still have my days. The holidays were painful because all I thought of was how I missed you and how I wanted to spend them with you. I don't think you ever thought about how much you really did hurt me and how much I loved you. All I know is that you were the one woman I truly loved and despite you reading this sometimes and thinking I want revenge, or hurt, or you to suffer. I don't I still love you with all my heart and I am just the man who was willing to tell the world and make a fuss about you because you meant so much to me. Lots of men want to get back at those who hurt them. I am not one of them. I only wanted to see you prosper and I loved you because I thought you deserved the special love I have, true, unconditional, and patient love I had for you. I thought you saw in all my wounds that I was special and I told you everything and thought that you accepted and wanted to be with me regardless. I am sorry that you took my honesty, my shyness, and conserved attitude as being sad, damaged, and unhappy. September 2nd was the greatest day of my life. The day that I finally got to meet you. I was just scared, I was very shy, and I didn't know what to expect and I was trying to get a feel for my surroundings. I was still in shock that my mom was gone, but dearest Rachel I was the happiest man alive and when you told me that you thought I was sad and unhappy that was the furthest thing from the truth. Remember how I wanted to climb down the waterfall, I had just lost my health insurance because of our President passing the healthcare bill the company I was with stopped the health insurance businessness because they said they would not make any money. So if I had of gotten hurt I was uninsured. I was wearing Converse with no grip or anything and sliding down that ledge so bad but I wanted to do it to be at the bottom with you, and Jonathan, and your Mother. I also have Asthma but it never stops me from doing the things I love like jogging, being a trainer, or working out. I never look at things and say I can't do it. I look at things and say how can I do it and do it the best I can. That is how I felt about loving you Rachel. How could I love you and love you the best. I was the guy who looked at you every morning and thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world and meant it. I appreciated your kisses and being in your arms. I loved playing with Jonathan and hearing about his problems and I just wanted him to be happy. I loved you two Rachel more than you could ever know. Did I deserve to be treated like you treated me? Think about it. I cared for you so much. Remember how I never wanted you to buy a phone card to talk to me. I thought it was a priviledge for such a beautiful wonderful person to even love me I just wanted you to know that you were worth my time and effort and that not distance would keep me from loving you. I remember how we used to send songs to each other. How we talked about Against Me( I still have the shirt they signed for you at Warped Tour I hope you got the postcard they signed for you), Hootie and the Blowfish, and all the other bands we liked or disliked. I loved you for all you were. It didn't matter our differences because in our differences I found strength and wanted to learn about your culture and life. I also wanted you to know that I would have been happy living in Dawson Creek. Sure it is small but I have seen everything in my life that I need to see. I would have rather lived in small town than a concrete jungle away from the drugs, the racist, the congestion. All I wanted was to be with you and Jonathan. I would have visited home a couple times a year but I wanted to live in Canada with you. I wanted to be Jonathan's stepdad and be there for him on a regular basis. I saw what a special child he was and that having someone around to play with him and encourage him along with his wonderful mother would have been beneficial. Despite what you think I am not Mr. Gloom and Doom. I was grieving my mother and I came to be with the one person I thought who loved me. You Rachel Myatt. I came to you for love, encouragement, friendship, and honesty. Why do you think I was so hurt when you tore me down and made all those accusations about how I was feeling when you didn't even know! I was livid and deeply hurt. I loved everything we did together and I really wanted to stay longer and do more with your family because I wanted to know you all and love you all. If you had of only known how much I needed your love, Jonathan's love, and to have that encouragement and to worship and be close to you at the time maybe you would have thought twice about how much I loved you and how much you really did mean to me and about your love for me. I know you do care for me and do love me. I just want you to know that I don't do this to hurt you but to give you insight on how you have deeply hurt, scarred, and changed my life. I can barely trust anyone now. If you really love God you make peace with those you hurt if you can. I have done it many times. It wasn't easy to be humble and to admit you were wrong or for the other person in some cases to admit they were wrong but it was the right thing to do. In our case both of us hurt each other and maybe it puts a strain on the chance for reconciliation and forgiveness but I know that you have a good heart Rachel. I still believe in you. You were and still are in my heart my best friend. I care for you deeply and others still believe in the love I have for you. We can go on like this, me writing blogs, wondering if you read them or you can pick up the phone, email, write a letter anything to start the healing process. I am patient and loving and my heart is with Christ. My love is in the Lord and that is why I haven't given up on you. You will always be my friend, I would take you back as a girlfriend someday too if our friendship was fixed but I wanted you to know it was always about our friendship. You got the ring and the promise because you were my best friend. I wanted to share and do everything with you and Jonathan. I wanted to love you both and do it all with you. I wanted to travel, to worship, to live, love, and learn with you and Jonathan and only the Lord Jesus Christ instilled a love like that in me and that is why it is still here. I dream about you every night and I still care about you that much. When you truly love someone it is not about letting go it is about how you can show them they mean something. I don't take kindly to anyone calling me obsessed or infatuated with them because that is for children and people who don't know self control. I have never doubted my love for you so it is strong and real. I haven't been sitting back not going out with other girls having fun but my heart belongs to you Rachel Myatt. If you take anything from this blog today please know that I love you and Jonathan and I would like to have you back in my life. I want to hear about your days. I want to hear your feelings, I want to know what the last year has been like for you. I want to hear your voice again. Maybe you were scared that a man actually loved you so much and you didn't think it was possible but I do. Nothing will change that and as I have said before I knew from the moment I realized I loved you that you and Jonathan were the ones I would give my life for. I just wished you believed it. I hope your day is blessed and I just wanted to leave you a song and a scripture today. I love you Rachel Myatt. I still believe in you. I know somewhere deep in your heart that you are ready to move on. End the cycle of hurt and come back to me my dearest friend. I won't give up on you I love you that much. I will walk though fire to make peace with you and for us to care about each other again. That is a promise and a testament of my God given love for you and Jonathan. God Bless dearest Rachel.
God Left the Door Open for Forgiveness, Love, and Reconciliation Rachel. My Arms are wide open as my heart is. I Love You
P.S. If you feel that this is ruining your character, defaming you, or hurting you in anyway it was not and never my intent. I am doing this because I truly love you Rachel and Jonathan. I would love to talk to you but this seems to be the only way. If you want to take action against me. I take full responsibility for anything I have said or done. Being a man or woman means you are responsible for your actions. I am and have been doing this as a tribute to my love for you and your son not to bring you down but to make amends and reconciliation with you. I do love you.
1 Peter 4:11-13
11 If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power for ever and ever. Amen. 12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed
Ephesians 2:16
16 Together as one body, Christ reconciled both groups to God by means of his death on the cross, and our hostility toward each other was put to death.
Rachel this is my second favorite song of all time. When I listened to it, it always made me think of how much I loved you. After my mother died before I came to see you. I listened to it and cried alot and thought about how much I loved you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zZ_X-D57YA
Last but not least Rachel I have Forgiven you and I love you. Here is a popular musician who has done the same to the one who hurt her. http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=670873&ocid=ansent11
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