Dear Rachel,
I want you to know this one thing. I am and always be in love with you. I wanted to start this blog off with a couple of words from my favorite Canadian/American group Arcade Fire. The words are from the song "The Suburbs" from the album of the same name. It is simply these words in the song " So can you understand? Why I want a daughter while I'm still young. I wanna hold her hand, And show her some beauty Before this damage is done. But if it's too much to ask, it's too much to ask. Then send me a son." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAitZuh4ueg The reason for everything that is happening to you, the reason I am going to follow through with everything I said I was going to do is because you messed with my dream of being a father. I loved you and only you, I never cheated on you, I loved your son and I wanted to have a daughter and a family with you so bad. I never loved a woman as much as I loved you and I never wanted children with anyone but you. I will not trust a woman again and I will not love again. What you did to me was very hurtful, your insults and injury were cruel and untimely considering how much I went through to be with you and all the pain and suffering that I had to endure. My love for you was never a mistake, it was never a joke, and it was pure and true. I wanted to be your husband and Jonathan's step-dad and love him as my own with no second guesses and no regret and that is how much I loved and still love you. If what you want is to know that your cruelty, your inability to communicate your feelings, your selfishness, and pride caused someone to not care about others again then let it be known that is how you have made me feel. I opened my heart to you completely, accepted you whole souled and fully and you abandoned me, ridiculed me, and spit on me when I needed you the most. One day I hope you think you are in love and you get lied to, abandoned, and used like you treated me and I hope you die the bitter for judging me, for pretending to love me, and for treating me the way you did. Here is a video for the song that I want you to know is my mantra after your treated me like this. Loud and Clear by the Cranberries. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X49ZJ41Q5mY For pretending to accept me, for pretending to love me, for pretending to want a family with me and for playing with my love. I should hate you and I wish I could be as pissed off as the words of this song but I will show you the error of your ways shortly with my actions. I will never wish evil on anyone but I have reached out with you nothing but love from day one and all you did was try to doubt me and not even give yourself a chance at a love more deserving. So you know what fuck you for not being able to get over Jonathan's dad. Screw you for being in a relationship with me then being a coward and not being able to be there for me when I needed you. I was there for you always and how will you ever be in a relationship if you cant trust, be there through crises, good times and bad, and whatever may come. I never ask my mom to die, I tried to talk to you about everything , you held back your feelings so you know what. You deserve everything that is coming your way. I gave you every opportunity to be in my good graces and for us to reconcile. I love that you think that being a country away allows you to hide but in this day and age it doesn't I have all the ammo and the truth I need and I also have God. So Rachel I should hate you but I don't I will continue to love you. I will continue to reach out to you. I will continue to do things that let you know I am out here and I am not giving up what I started . The choice is yours come out of the shadows, make peace with me, and we can talk about things and mend what was broken or watch me set the world on fire with my words and the story of what happened between us. Think of all the people and how your private life would change, think of how it would be for Jonathan, think of the people talking, think of being a Christian and what it means to forgive, forget, and move on. I release you from every messed up thing you did and said to me all you have to do is forgive me and do the same. I love you but I will do whatever it is I have to do because Life Goes On. You can be in my life or you can become the story that everyone hears about in my life. Big things are about to happen you cant even imagine.
I used to feel defeated and small to you Rachel this is how I felt after you ditched me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYeGw-bo430 now I am ten feet tall and I am coming for you. This is for all those you have hurt before and I wont stop till my story and I am on the top. Thanks for fucking me over!!!
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