Dear Rachel,
I guess you never thought someone would stick around and love you as much as I do. I remember that day 8 months ago when you sent me that dreadful text and how my whole body went to another place and inside I died. I remember as I drove down the Interstate wanting to just end it all how you said you loved me but you had betrayed our friendship and any love we had by not taking the time to talk about things with me. I cared about you Rachel Myatt. I cared about Jonathan, your family, your faith, and everything about you. I still have your text in my phone it said "I don't think I can be your girlfriend". It just let me know that someone had led you to believe something was not right about me or you had been coerced because of what others think. Its not the first time it has happened. I remember I was dating this girl named Caroline and her parents hated me because I was black. I just smiled every time I went over there and I sent her flowers, I wrote her poems, I took her out and did everything with her. She wanted to be with me but her dad was very hateful toward me. Finally I called him up one day and told him how I felt and that I am sorry that I loved his daughter so much and that he couldn't deal with the color of my skin but that if he hated me that much then I would not see her anymore. Then I hung the phone up on that bigot. The next day I got a call from him and he apologized and said I could see his daughter and I told him I broke up with her because I didn't want to be with someone whose family didn't accept me for who I was. I heard her mother calling me weird one day when I was in the bathroom and I was hurt that she would talk bad about me like that. Needless to say I still have letters that Caroline sent me afterward saying she loved me and she still wanted me but I could not go back to that situation. Rachel I know I am different. I thought you could handle that. I am a human being first though I wish that I could turn off being black or being against the grain or whatever it is that makes me so awkward but I cant. I am me. The people who embrace that understand my love and those people have been life long friends. It hurt so much when you said you accepted who I was because really you didn't how could you toss someone aside who loved you so much when they were at their lowest. That was not love, that was not acceptance, and that was not what Christ wants us to do. You had the chance to be there for me and in the months after things happened with you I was completely alone. I learned what it was like to be deserted and I didn't even have my mom there to support me. I spent the loneliest holidays ever and I had been looking forward to having the happiest holidays ever with you even with my mom being gone. You turned your back on me and abandoned me and there is no way around that you didn't accept me. When I met your family Rachel it was because I loved you. I was shy about meeting your mother not about your father and when she grilled me with all the questions I knew she was trying to test me and see what was in my heart. You know what though I told her the truth. You think a person who is honest with you about where he has been has issues. You don't know the half of the crap I had to grow up with but if you loved me Rachel you would have just accepted it. As a Christian you could have been there to uplift me, pray with me, hold me, and understand I had lost my mother. I would have done the same for you and more. No all you cared about is that I didn't like Geocaching which I did i was just upset that I couldn't find them and you couldnt see that. You were more worried that the Canadian movie we saw was offensive to you and it was the least offensive of all the other movies that were out that were PG or PG-13 so that is why I chose that one. I cared about you Rachel. I am clausterphobic and don't like being in small spaces for two long but for hours I stayed in the vehicle with you and your mother and Jonathan and I didn't say a word because I was happy to be with you and your family. I don't really know what more I can say to let you know how much I love you. I am not writing this blog to lay a guilt trip on you. I am writing this to let you know that I love you Rachel Myatt. I love you with all my Heart, I love you with All MY SOUL. I love you with every FIBER and BEING in my BODY. I have been on dates, I have tried to be with other people, I haven't been sitting back not trying to love other people but the fact is God gave me a love so strong for you and He wont let me forsake it or give up on it. My hope is that in the next week or so you will pick up the phone or email me and we can start the healing process. If not then I move on to Phase 2 to show you how much I love you and it will be something big that you wont be expecting. What I do could change how people look at you as a person and others around you. It is an act of love but it is also something big and will reach a lot of people. I urge you to settle this with me privately end it with the blog and what I started in California. Rachel I love you that much to go to the ends of the earth and if that is what it takes for me to get through to you how much I love you that that is what I will do but I have faith you will be able to put your pride aside and start talking to me soon and no more will have to be done. I love you and just remember in September it will be a year and I will keep my promise to you I told you I would love you no matter what. Here I am. Put aside whatever it is that is holding your love back for me and love me. You love me and if I didn't know that if Christ wanted me to walk away I would but I know He doesn't so I am still here. With His great love and my love for you. Take my hand again dear friend and walk with me. I love you with all my heart. Bless you this day and all my readers.
Rachel,
If you do come back into my heart this is about forgiving and forgetting. This is not about holding all this that we did to hurt each other against each other. It is about remembering the fun we had in each others company, the love, the laughing, and about being close to each other. It is about true friendship and that is why I urge and pray you come back. I love you like my sister, my best friend, and the love I waited a lifetime for. Please know that and please embrace that. I love you and forgive you. Forgive me. I will treat you like we have been on vacation from each other open heart, open arms, leaving where we left off without any of this to cloud my heart I love you that much.
Mark 11:25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”
Not being able to forgive is one of the worst sins we could commit against God because He gave so that we may live. Think about that today.
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