I started working on short stories about 6yrs back and here is one I just found. I want you to think about this Rachel and anyone else reading this blog and apply it to how much you think I love you Rachel or anyone who is in my corner for Rachel to make peace with me. This is about a girl named Emily this is not about anyone particular I just really love to write and this was one of my favorite ones from about 5 yrs back.
Looking Inward Engaging The Outside: Chapter 2
It was a day like anyday for Emily. She woke up because he wanted to have sex with her. He didnt care if she wanted it or not. Marriage to him had become all take and not about returning the favor. She washed his clothes, cooked his meals, ran errands for things he wanted. She longed for the days when they first met when he would write her poetry, tenderly kiss her and hold her hand, and look at her like she was the most beautiful thing alive. The years had not been so kind to their relationship. They had two children one boy, one girl both before she turned 21. She had dreams of going to school, becoming a lawyer, and truly living the American dream. Her plans were all but distant memories in the back of her mind that she still faintly remembered enough just to give her hope. She loved her children but it seemed as she was taking care of 3 instead of two. She devoted her entire life to her family. The hours were long, she got very few rewards, and now she was depressed, broken, and distraught. The few moments she had alone she would just stare out the window into the sky. Sometimes she would sing little songs to keep her spirit up. "One day this bird will fly away and find out whats on the other side. I'll build a nest as up in the clouds and every one who loves me will be proud. I won't be lonely, I wont be sad, I'll be happy and content, Someday I'll find a man to love me who will treat me like a prince." Emily loved her husband dearly but he had fallen out of love with her. He was merely going through the motions just to take care of her and the kids. When he wasnt working he spent many hours out with the guys, working on his car, and watching television. The only time he really was close to her was when they were being intimate, if you could even call it that? He never told her he loved her, no kisses, caresses, or deep embrace. It was just self satisfaction. She was a vessel for his enjoyment which he seemed not to enjoy very much anymore. Emily often wondered what it would be like to have a man truly make love to her, someone who was happy to be in her arms because she made him feel as they were one. She thought of what it would be like to have a best friend who completed and complimented her as a person. She was tired as merely existing to this man. She wanted and deserved more out of life. She couldn't just pick up and leave she had two children to attend too. Surely though at 29 she couldnt give up on her hopes, her dream of a better life, her aspirations of greatness. No, she would no longer sit back and wait any longer. She was going to tell him soon. Either he prove to her that he loved her or she wanted to leave. She wanted to be free of the oppression and self complacent emptiness she felt being with him. She thought to herself "It is time for me to live." Her head was spinning with thoughts of rebellion and optimism. She was going to break free of the shackles that enslaved her in a life unfulfilled. It was about an hour until he returned home for work. There was so much swirling around in her mind. What exactly was she going to say? How would he react? What would the outcome be? She was ready for anything that he had to throw at her. Emily for the first time in a long time looked at herself in the mirror and though she was not the same 16yr old who fell in love and had dreams of bliss and eternal love she was still attractive, intelligent, and had a lot to offer the world. She looked at the shallow lines that were under her eyes. They followed her densely chiseled cheek bones down to her nose. Emily was a very pale woman with rosy pink lips, red hair, and a scant few freckles across her face and upper torso. She was incredibly beautiful, but for all that it seems her insides were very scarred, bruised, and malcontent. How could she let this man take the majority of her youth away from her? Did she feel obligated because of her babies? Was it that he threatened her with violence and ill will? She didn't really know the answer. All Emily knew is that the solution was at hand and she couldnt wait any longer. A car pulled up in the driveway and a man about 6'5" with dark colored hair and blue eyes exited the sedan. "Emily" he said "Where are you? Is Dinner Ready Yet?" Those words she heard so many times before. They were engraved in her ears like chalk screeching across a blackboard. The sound of his dominance and arrogance burned like fire to her. Enough of this acting and pretending it was time to put an end to this. "Sit down dear we need to talk." Emily uttered in a stern but gingerly voice. "I am too tired to talk I just want to eat and relax. I have worked all day I just want some time to myself. Is that too much to ask." He said. "No its not, but I have something I want to say to you and I dont think it can wait". Emily says as she pulls a casserole from the oven. "Ok then speak then woman, I havent got all day what could possibly be more important than me getting a little rest after working all day so I could support you and the kids?" He uttered with a smirk on his face. Emily replied "Do you love me?" He paused for a moment then turned and sighed. "What kind of question is that? We have been together since we were 16, we have two children together I work my fingers to the bone for you and the kids and you insult me with such a interrogative!" Emily answered. "You still didnt answer my question. It seems like I give and give and you take and take. I love you but you never show me that you love me. You are a great provider and a good father but I need to know if you love me! Do you still look at me with favor? Am I still the reason you wake up in the morning? Do I give you butterflies when you think of me? The man stood passive and shocked at what she was asking him. As he poured a glass of water he reflected on the things she said. What could he tell her that would be an adequate answer to the barrage of questions he was bombareded with? He wiped a couple of drops of water from his flustered lips and told her. "Emily I have always loved you and I always will, but things well....". He paused to catch his composure. "Things just haven't been the same for us the past couple of years. You used to excite me and amaze me. I would rush home from work to make love to you. I was happy when we went out in public because I felt I had an angel by my side. It made me happy to know you were the mother of my children. When I first found out you were pregnant it was the happiest day of my life besides marrying you." Emily interjected. "Do you still feel that way about me or is our marriage just a sham?" "No Emily." He looked down at the floor before he finished the carefully thought out declaration of dissappointment he felt in their marraige. "I no longer love you the way I did. I dont know what to tell you. I have been seeing a girl at work behind your back for the last 7 months. She is younger, she understands me, and we have a great time together." Emily felt a lump grow in her throat as the tears slowly escaped the corner of her eye. "You what? You asshole you cheated on me? After I stayed at home and devoted my life to you. You knew I had dreams and wanted to go to school and work and be successful and I give you my all, my everything and this is how you repay me?" "I'm sorry." He said. "It's not like I don't take care of you and the kids though. I work very hard to make sure you are provided for and I come home and spend time with them." Betrayed and disillusioned Emily screams at the now shrinking man. "What does all that mean if you dont love me? I don't need you anymore. Especially if you have been disrespecting the sanctitiy of our marriage behind my back. You could have told me. Set me free if you didn't love me but to decieve me. I can't even bear to look at you anymore! "You know what Emily?" His eyes lightened in anger. "You are worthless, you dont mean anything to me anymore, the only thing you are good for is cooking, cleaning, and lying down horizontal. I need a real woman who can fulfill me and make me fill like a man." A wave of unbelievablilty slowly overcame Emily. She felt years of humble love and devotion to her husband all go up in smoke. This made her fell unwanted and unappreciated. Most of all she felt unloved. Deep inside she wanted to die and she could not spend another night with this man. She had the answer she was seeking and it was time to become the woman she had always dreamed she could be. It started with severing the ties with the one thing that was holding her back. It was him! "I am through with you. I'm taking the kids and going to my mothers." Emily wait I never meant to hurt you can't we work this out" Emily looked him in the face her green eyes flashing like jade reflecting the sun. " Why would I want to stay with someone who cheats on me, puts me down, and then basically says I am nothing but a cooking, cleaning, sperm depository. I am a person, I want a life, and I do matter. So you can just go screw your little friend at work and maybe she can excite you, cook for you, clean for you, and be your bedroom toy because as of now I am done with you." "You will never leave me! Without me you are nothing!" He said convincingly. "Oh you keep telling yourself that mister lets see who is nothing when they dont have anything to eat, lets see how you like it when the clothes pile up and your uniform is not pressed for work. Lets see how you like it when your little friend is tired of you and you have no love, no life, and are nothing you freaking loser!!!" Emily's voice rang throughout their small 3 bedroom quarters. Two small faces appeared from in the distance. "Mommy, Daddy please don't fight, we dont like it when you fight." Said the little girl who was the spitting image of her mother. "Kids get a suitcase and fill it with clothes we are going to Grandma's tonight." "But Mommy." the young man exclaimed. "We don't want to go to Grandma's." "You will do as you are told young man now get ready." Emily had never been more sure of herself in her life. She was finally going to leave him but what happened next would make her a changed woman. "Emily you aren't going no where and neither are the kids. Calm down and cool off and we will talk this through." He paused and watched her as she packed her bags and prepared to walk away from him. She confronted him like a prisoner about to be executed. "I am serious this time. I will not be your doormat anymore. I deserve the best, I want to live and since you dont want to be a part of that life then it is best you let me do that. You seem to be happy with your life. You don't care how I feel or what I want. Everything is about You! You! You!!!" He couldn't take it any longer. She grabbed the bags and headed toward the car two tween children behind her. Enraged he grabbed her by the arm and smacked her across the face. "You will never leave me Emily, You are mine, You belong to me!" "Stop it you are hurting me" Emily struggled and screamed as the children looked on in horror and wonderment. "Stop hitting Mommy Daddy!!" the little girl whenced. "Shut up and get back in the house" He hit her again and again. He kicked her in the ribs and broke some bones but the children ran over to the neighbors just in time to save her from losing the life that she so desperately sought to have. Hours later she lay battered and broken in a hospital bed. Her mother, her sister, and children by her side. He father had passed away last year so the one good man in her life besides her little man was not there to avenge or console the horrible wrong that was done to her. She looks at the black eyes and broken nose in a small mirror. She thinks to herself if this man ever really did love her or was it just a facade. All this time she was living a lie for him when she could have been living the truth and reality for herself. It was only a minor set back for someone as strong as Emily. Time healed the wounds. Being away from him made her more beautiful and radiant. She took this experience as a chance to love herself and look inside to see her true inner beauty. Sometimes we have to look inward in order to engage the beauty on the outside. If we are not confortable with who we are in our hearts, souls, and minds then the body itself is just a keeper of the passion and expression that is held within those entities. Fast foward 4 years later that 29 year old is now 33 she is about to walk across the stage she has just finished her pre-law degree and is about to go to graduate school. Magna Cum Laude. Pretty impressive for a mother of two who ended up living with her mother and taking 2 jobs to support her little family and to pay for her classes. She barely had time to think but the moments were hers. She made the time for herself to become the woman she is today. Along the way she also met a nice man who became her best friend. They spend time together when they can but he knows her situation and gives her time and space because he does love her. When he looks at her he can't think of being with another. When they are together it is like they have always known each other. Kissing her and holding her hand is like a generator putting out an electric current. It is a site to behold. They are so intune with each others lives and actions. That is why he is willing to wait for her. He truly loves her. Most of all Emily made the choice to love herself and in doing that she became free.
Rachel you were my best friend and I still love you as such. I am sorry that you can't see the way I looked at you, the way I talked to you, sang to you, and just wanted to be with you was all I ever wanted in life. I hope that you are reading all that I write and taking it in. I truly do care about you and nothing I have written has been to hurt you but only to open up your eyes to the love I have for you.
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