Suicide

I write this blog tonight in tears its one of the hardest things to do but I want Rachel to know this and all my readers to know before I continue writing.  Suicide is Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain. http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ I want anyone who ever judged someone for being suicidal or made fun of them like Rachel did to me back in September to take the time to listen and read what I am about to write.  One of the reasons feel the way about Rachel and am writing this blog is because of instead of being a good friend and girlfriend and being supportive of me during my mourning process, she chose to tear me down and put me down which caused me to want to die. She said I wasn't happy, I had problems, and issues, and just did not understand where I was at that point after losing my mother. So I told her I was going to kill myself. So she continued to make fun of me more and call me manipulative and called me a liar and said very harsh and mean things that I would never say to someone I loved especially someone who just lost a loved one.  I tried to explain that to her and she pushed me further away. Eventually I got mad and upset at how cruel, selfish, and hateful she was being and started throwing idle threats at her because of how evil she was being. It was not right of me and I apologized and asked for her forgiveness but no one deserves to be treated the way she treated me.  I was lied to, criticized and told that my love for her was a mistake.  She put down my love of God, She also said there were no consequences for anything she did she could just do whatever she wanted to.  So with my heart broken for about three months I wanted to die. I asked God everyday for the strength to love Rachel and not hate her.  I was sad because her faith The New Church teaches about charity, loving your neighbor, and always giving of yourself.  She chose to be selfish, judgmental, and hateful to me when I had sacrificed and went through so much to be with her.  I hope when she reads this and others read this they know that I would never spend 4 months on a blog just to blast someone that I truly love like Rachel and it has never been intended that way. It is to let her know I am strong.  I still love her with all my heart and that I wont stop loving her.  I told you this story to prepare you for what I have to say next.  So here is my story.

About 4 years ago I lost my childhood friend of 21 years to suicide.  I never got to say goodbye to him. I never let him know how much I loved him and how bad my life had been but that I struggled and got through it and just lived life.  He had everything I wanted a beautiful wife family and friends that love him and people who cared.  I wished I could have been there for him and for the rest of my life that will haunt me.  Rachel could have been there for me but she took the easy way out and abandoned me.  She didn't want to be there for me as a friend or girlfriend when I needed her most. I came to her after my mother died because she was the person who said she would be there for me.  Tonight my friend talked about and started to attempt suicide and I had to choose whether to be like Rachel or choose to be like I know a good friend should be.

First thing I did was ask what was wrong and for her to stop ignoring my text and phone calls.  Finally she contacted me and told me that she had taken some pills.  A younger child was involved so I told her that she had her child to live for and that even as an adult losing my mother was traumatic please don't do that to your child. (Rachel never knew that I was living for Her and Jonathan's love and that was helping with the healing process before she abandoned me).  I told her about my friend and how she was hurting me and by saying and doing these things.  I also told her as she has read this blog that Rachel abandoned me as she was in a similar situation with someone and that I continue to love her and show her that love is the only way.  If someone wrongs you and hurts you , you just go on loving and focus on those who care about you. Eventually that person who hurt you will realize what they did and they can either forgive themselves and forgive you or go on being hateful and hide from the wrong.  Evil has a way of catching up with you.  Rachel and her family have to hide things from me because they think I will use them against her on the internet.  I refuse to do that instead I write music, poems, blogs, and literature to let her know how much she hurt me and I still love her.  I have written her Church and family along with some of my friends and she just sends the letters back and so I know she is the one who is full of hurt in her heart not me.  Im just fine.  I love her and always will.  I still desire to be with no one but her.  I have went out on plenty of dates and care about other women but I am in love with Rachel Myatt and God still has a plan for me with her so I press on and this blog is one way.  Anyways I tried to get my friend to understand how important her life is and that she needed help but I didn't ridicule her and make fun of her.  Rachel made fun of me and basically said I was damaged and needed help and there was things wrong with me.  I told her that she had no clue what I had been through and that she had issues and things wrong with her but I never did anything but love and accept her for all that she was and even wanted to love and raise her son as my own.  I am beginning to get jaded about women after all the hurt she inflicted on me.  I just want everyone to know out there that being suicidal doesn't make you weak, crazy, or mean anything is wrong with you it just means you do not know how to cope with the pain. Rachel laughed when I told her that and continued to put me down. She did this to me both on the phone and on messengers all of which I have the proof and have written about in my book but I haven't released the book yet and I am holding out for God's miracle of our reconciliation and forgiveness before  I do so. If I do put it out it is because God wants Rachel to see the error of her ways.  Rachel could have been there for me and been supportive of me but instead she let others make her ashamed of me and instead of exhibit the love I know she had and still has for me she let others persuade her not to be with me.  A couple of hours ago I called 1800Suicide or the Hopeline to tell them about my friend. I tried to get her help because I was concerned.  Rachel didn't really care about me as a friend it seem she just called the police and fire department on me to keep the blood off her hands. If she really cared she would have stuck around and been there for me through my troubled time.  I loved her enough to put off my school, career, and in the middle of mourning my mother because I loved her so much but all I was worth was a text to break up with me then a bunch of excuse and ridicule about how sad I was and how we wouldn't work out cause I was damaged. Thank you for your concern. I wont let my friend fall by the way side or anyone else for that matter. I hope you know how bad you hurt me Rachel and I hope you learn to deal with real crisis in the future. I will keep loving people and put my heart and soul on the line if it will save a life. That is what love and love of others is truly about not about the selfish way you live your life Rachel Myatt. I love you with all my heart and each day I will continue to let you know and as others see our story unfold maybe then you will realize how mean and inconsiderate what you did was.  If you need help and are feeling down dear readers please call this number or check this website. 1800Suicide or http://www.hopeline.com/