A Christmas Wish

Dear Readers,
I have waited a long time to write this particular blog and tonight is the night to bare my soul.  Last year all I wanted for Christmas was peace with Rachel Myatt.  Anyone that asked me what I wanted for Christmas last year I told them simply this.  If they wanted to do something nice for me then say a prayer that I find peace with the person I love most and that is Rachel Myatt. Its almost a year later and I ask the same of my friends and family again.  I want peace with Rachel Myatt. I never thought I would spend my year writing a blog telling her how she hurt me but also how much I loved her. I always thought she would come around.  I never thought I would go through with the "Letters To Rachel Project", write a whole cd worth of songs, or a book about our relationship. Last year those were just dreams and I finished and accomplished most of that this year.  I want Rachel to know I have never loved anyone as much as I love her and Jonathan and I am asking for her to pick up the phone and end this all. Rachel Myatt you are my best friend and I would do anything to let you know that.  I have said  some things about you that I am not so proud of but I have also this whole time only been trying to make peace with you and show you a love that is from God. God is love and you continue to avoid me and hurt me.  When you said the things you did about me, infringe on my faith, my love of God, say things about my mother they way you did they were very hurtful.  At the time I reacted the way I knew how and that was angry because you know how you treated me was very wrong.  After about 3 months I wasn't so angry or hurt but full of love.  I am full of love now and that is why I have to continue spreading this message.  I have to let the world know how much I love you. I have to let the world know that even when things seem at their worst and that there is no hope God's love is what will pull us through. If I didn't truly believe that one day you will make peace with you and we will be in each others lives again then I would have given up 6 months ago.  Rachel Myatt can't you see through all the hurt and pain the love I have for you and Jonathan is unconditional and will not die.  No matter what cruel words we said to each other with God's love there is always a way to make things right. This whole time I could have hated you, I could have let that get into my heart but I havent hated you. I have been sad that I am missing the two people that mean the most to me.  I put the pictures up of you and Jonathan because they were my favorite.  The picture of Jonathan was one of the last ones I showed to my mother before she died.  She wanted to meet you and Jonathan so much and when you abandoned me and were cruel after my mother died do you know how bad you affected me Rachel Myatt.  I truly wanted to die. My whole family believed in you. I believed in you and everyday I was living for the love I had for you and him and for your family.  Rachel that is what my life is about loving people. Not turning your back on others when things get tough. Not judging people for the differences in religion, ethnicity, beliefs, or thought process. It is about loving people for who they are and if you or anybody who reads this blog can't see the true love in my heart for you then I am truly sorry.  I never wanted a family with any other woman I was with.  You were the first and you were the only one Rachel Myatt.  I will never want a wife or child again because of how you treated me. I loved you more than anyone I know and you treated my pure heart like it was a game and all my faithfulness, true love, and caring for you and Jonathan was just a joke.  You truly did change my life. It nearly destroyed me and you may be thinking what you did was right and just for you and that their were no consequences but there were and are and you are experiencing them now.  No one has ever called me on this blog or said it was cruel, distasteful , or mean because most people who are enlightened or who know me see the true love I have for you.  You deserve my hate, my anger, and my revenge if I loved people by that standard but the only way I live is to love by God's standard. If you truly believe in that like your New Church Doctrine teaches then you would think about how you treated me and how for the better part of a year I have reached out to you, your family, the New Church, and others worldwide to tell you how much I love you. What guy who didn't truly think the world of you would do that Rachel. Not one. I love you.  I love you sister, I love you friend, I love you as the person I shared all my secrets with. I love you with all my heart.  You continue to hurt me each day and all the love I shared with you, all the hope, and all the promises you made to me and broke and all the ones I made to you and kept mean nothing to you. I kept every picture, every letter, and every email and messenger conversation we shared. You meant so much to me.  What saddens me the most is that you didn't see how much loving you and your family meant to me and how you disrespected my family and my mothers loving memory. I looked around and you had so much love around you. I never had that. I had hurt, pain, rejection, abuse, and hate. You could never know what I went through or how hard it was to lose my mom at the time.  I never had a big loving family like you and that is what I wanted to have a spiritual love, a physical love, and a true love that was a bond between God and you Rachel Myatt.  You had sisters, brothers, aunts, both sets of grandparents, children, and all sorts of family. All I wanted was that love that I never had I wanted to love your family as my own also. What little family I have left I love but I never had a grandfather really one died before I was born and the other died when I was five.  I had two grandmothers one I was close to but after my mom died she is a recluse.  My other one died in 2002. I have never been close to my father but even he was hurt when you did what you did to me. He really was happy that someone loved me and that I loved someone so much as I loved you and Jonathan.  I really dont have too much more to say that hasn't been said. If you want to continue to ignore me. Deny the peace you and I could have and miss out on one of your best friends ever then its your choice. If your family was the reason you abandon me that would make me sad because all I wanted to do is love your family especially get to know your Mother and Amanda I thought the world of them.  I will just wish your family a happy holiday and many blessings.  My Christmas this year will again be sad.  I will spend it helping the homeless or less fortunate like I usually do. Then come back to my lonely house and be alone.  I wanted to end that cycle last year with you and Jonathan but you were in such a hurry to put me down and get rid of me instead of love me and understand me like you said you would you never got a chance. I will continue telling the world how much I love you and I have more letters to write, more music and videos to make, and more love than you would ever care to know.  I love you and Jonathan with all my heart Rachel Myatt and I just wish you would come back into my life.  My Christmas Wish this year is the same as last year. Peace with Rachel Myatt. No material gift or superficial thing would ever give me any joy but that would fill my heart with peace and happiness. I love you both so much. I never knew how much I could love someone till I met you and Jonathan and when you abandoned me I never knew that I could love you two even more than I already did.No matter how bad you broke me I truly love you Rachel Myatt. Unwavering and Unconditoinal that is Gods true triumph in me!

“We do not believe in heaven or hell...; we do not believe in eternal damnation. We believe only in the unavoidable horror of hurting others and of likewise being hurt.”
― Alice Walker, By the Light of My Father's Smile

You were my best friend and nothing I did deserved the treatment you bestowed on me. I forgive you and ask for your forgiveness and for you to come back into my life.  I ask this in Our Heavenly Father's name and I pray each night about you and Jonathan and all that is good and was good about both of you. I love you Rachel Myatt that will never change. I hope that my wish for Christmas will be answered because I put my trust in God and my heart and love is with Him. All my wisdom and love pertaining to you has come from Him and He has not forsaken me. 

Amen


God Bless All