I Wonder What You are Thinking Rachel

I wonder what you are thinking Rachel.  While you slowly see how I have kept my word and that I have not backed down in almost a year.  I wonder what you think now of all the cruel words you said to me and your hateful attitude when I was looking to you for love and encouragement after my Mother's death. I wonder if you look at the letters and listen to all the cds I made you and think I really messed up? I think about that everyday.  You are the one that took down all the pictures of yourself on the internet.  I keep mine up proudly and continue to make more.  I kept all the ones of you and I up on Facebook and Myspace and I never go back there.  It hurts to much.  I truly loved you Rachel Myatt. I still love you with all my heart.  I think of all the great things you and I and Jonathan could be doing. How it could have been if you had of only given me time, patience, and been understanding of what I was going through.  Instead you weren't.  You were cruel, selfish, and inconsiderate.  I waited a lifetime to meet the woman of my dreams.  You changed that all in a second.  I will always love you Rachel Myatt.  The question is can you look deep inside your soul. Look into your heart and be able to forgive and forget and know that someone cares about you very much.  Are you ready to stop hiding? I am not going to hide.  I am not going to give up. I am not going to stop writing, stop telling my story, nor am I afraid of anything any more. I respect and love God and that is a healthy love and fear but after what you did to me my heart is empty, burned, and with very little left to give. I soldier on and give others as much love, encouragement, and help as I can everday.  I do want you to take this with you today though if you are reading this. It was a great saying that I saw awhile back and I wanted to share it with you Rachel and my readers.
 
Optimism is psychological; hope is theological. Optimism focuses on what you think you can do. Hope trusts in what God can do. -  Rick Warren

There could not be any truer words said.  The whole time I was with you I never doubted my love for you. You doubt people and situations constantly.  I put my faith in God.  You put your faith in your heart and emotions.  I would never tell someone something and not go through with it or keep my word.  You constantly go back on the things you tell people.  I never gave up on you, I never stopped loving you. You checked out on me Rachel Myatt and because I wouldn't stop loving you and give up on you and you felt guilty you lashed out at me and called me all those horrible things and put me down and even doubted that I loved God. How could you be so evil?  I just keep loving you and believing in you even as I sat there those weeks wanting to die at my lowest.  I prayed others prayed for me.  They prayed for you and they still love me and pray for both me and you.  I will never give up on hope in you Rachel Myatt I see so much love, hope, and promise. I never would have come so far or loved so much if my love wasn't rooted in God's love.  I hope soon you will be able to talk to me and we will put this behind us but until then remember this.  I WONT GIVE UP HOPE AND I WONT BACK DOWN!  You will have to make that decision on your own of how you are going to deal with that. I will still be here, I will still be loving you, still fighting, still praying, and still caring.  I love you Rachel and Jonathan Myatt.  I always will. I leave you with one of my favorite songs today about being cruel to each other as people it is a song by the band The Epoxies it is called "Toys" I hope all of you will listen to the words because for friendships, relationships, and any kind of partnership the words ring true.  Good Day and God bless.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWN3r5lASFo

Romans 5:5
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.