I am writing you this blog to let you and the world to know exactly how I feel. This blog is for Rachel Myatt of Dawson Creek, British Columbia. It is also for anyone who has ever had a friend who they loved so much that they would do crazy things and never give up on them to let them know just how much they are loved. Rachel you may have hurt me, I may have hurt you, you have no idea the damage that you caused but you knew in the end that Jesus would raise me and you must have forgotten that He can give you love so strong that nothing can break that love and that He wanted me to live in order to love you, and to do great things in His name. All that is about to happen is because of God's love and whether you want to accept it or not I am about to tell the world how much I love you and I will not stop until you stop ignoring me, putting me down, and stop running from the people who care about you. You are like family to me and not a day has gone by when I haven't thought about you. I love you and Jonathan. I wanted to be with you and him so bad and with my mother dying that was what made me want to keep living to see all the good and love that I could accomplish loving you two. You see when you abandoned me I lost the two women I loved the most in my life at the same time My mom on August 8th and you on September 9th exactly a month apart. Didn't you understand how your love was a gift, God placed you in my life to love me, to show me true friendship, and to become all the great things I know you are and more. I believed in you so that was why I came and never gave up on you. God believed in me and I let Him guide me. I still feel that way and if I have to tell every person on the face of this earth how much I love you by writing songs, posting on the internet, sending out letters to random people, and telling my story in a book then that is what I will do. I wish you and the Myatt and Friesen family would understand how much love I have for you and how they all could have played a part in the love God gave me for Rachel and everyone. I never do things recklessly. I am a fan of logic, wisdom, and time. I wanted time to show you everything, I never wanted to rush into or make you feel crowded into anything, I would have taken 5 years to marry you if you had of only taken the time to know what was really in my heart. I can't look at another woman and I desire no one else. I hear Jonathan's laughter in my head and all the things I wanted to do with you two that time didn't allow. I enjoyed every moment I was with you and your family Rachel and just because it didn't look like it sometimes because I was perplexed it was far from that. I love you, I needed you, and you were the most important thing besides God in my life. I was so happy to tell my family and friends about you and that you said you loved me and wanted to be with me. Then like a nightmare you abandoned me, you stopped loving me, you left me for dead when I really needed a friend, love, and comfort. I had taken comfort that one day we would worship together and I was looking forward to worshiping and drawing close to God with you. Alas you didn't care about my feelings at all. The parts that hurt the most is that you said I wanted you to save me. I have only had one Savior my whole life and that has been the Lord Jesus Christ never will be another my dear. Also that you didn't care if I loved you and that love was a game. You didn't care if I died or not, you didn't even care if I had of been stupid enough to kill myself. If you had of truly loved me as a friend or had any compassion than maybe you would have talked to me on the phone instead of break up with me by text message all the way from Dawson Creek, Canada. That was low after I did everything I could to get to you. I had to argue with the state department to get my new passport, I lost my mom, I called and emailed you almost every night or day for about 4 months, I kept most of my promises to you except for the long kiss at the airport because I was in a daze because of all the waiting I did and I didn't want to hold you back and be mad. I even put up with an flight assistant in Edmonton who apparently didnt like me because of my skin color or something because I asked if I could use the phone since my American service wasn't working and I couldn't get my Toonie to spit me out a Telus card so I could call you. She told me she couldn't let me use the phone because my call was long distance. Moments later a tall bleached blonde walked by and asked the same question and she let her use the phone and I looked at her sad and in dismay. Maybe you thought I was complaining about things sometimes but I was just relating to you the reality of some of the stuff I have to go through. I mean I had to take a later plane to see you because of the weather and was sad that I had to wake you and make our first meeting such a drag and so late but I soldiered on. You spit on the beautiful friendship we had Rachel and I want you to know that yes I was really going to die. I got depressed and didn't eat for weeks. No I wasn't crazy neither was I diagnosed with anything but having post traumatic stress disorder. I came to be with you Rachel because in you I thought I had a true friend who was going to uplift me, encourage me, and love me like I loved her. I never gave up on you even when 3 months in the relationship I wanted to walk away from you for calling my faith stupid and being so cruel about my religious beliefs. I prayed about it and God guided me to keep loving you and never give up on you. You spent so much time talking about Jonathan's dad and how great your first time with him was even while I was there in the van with you. You say you aren't in love with him anymore but that is the way I feel. I wanted a family with you, I care deeply for you and I know if you had of spent less time finding flaws with me and trying to pin me down as some unstable unhappy guy and just understood I was grieving and I just needed your hugs, your kisses, your encouragement, love and friendship you would have thought different. You only saw what you wanted to see and that was not what I felt nor was it close to fair. I would do anything for you and Jonathan and I proved it and kept my promise. Here I am 6 months after the devastation Rachel Myatt. I love you and Jonathan just as much. I have written to Amanda, I tried to write your mother, My friend Melody has written you and even my ex-girlfriend from Winnipeg, Manitoba - Amber Logan sent you a letter and she wanted to tell you how even though she hurt me I still loved her and 7 years later we are still good friends and I was gonna even give her a second chance at one time but she got busy with school. God gives us each gifts and we use our free will to use them or we can choose to be selfish and live a life for ourselves. I was angry at you at first and I said and did a lot of things I wouldn't normally do but eventually I knew I couldn't make stupid idle threats. I had to do something meaningful to show you that yes I was hurt, yes I was angry but that I love you, I love you Rachel Myatt with all my heart and no matter how crazy you think I am I am about to let the world know just how much you and your son Jonathan mean to me. I am a leader and not a follower. I know that God will help those who first try to help themselves then He will carry us until we can walk on our own again. He wouldn't listen to me when I was angry with you but He loved me and gave me strength to forgive you even though you cant forgive me when I asked you for that. I asked your before Christmas, I asked you for Christmas, I asked you all of January and most of February. Rachel Myatt forgive me and become part of my life again. I do love you and do you know how happy I was to meet your family. I wanted to learn about Amanda, Rebecca, Sarah and your brother and other sisters. I wanted to know your parents and love them as my own. You broke my heart when you started sending my letters back without reading them but its cool I wont let it discourage me but I made a promise to Jonathan and Riley to send them Legos and I wanted to keep my promise for Christmas but you were being so mean sending things back I didn't risk it. Most of all I wanted you to know I came because there is no one in the world I will ever love as much as I love you. You can call my crazy, psychotic, make fun of me, put me down, call me weird like you did half the time we were dating or just ignore me. I love you Rachel Myatt and I am not going to give up on you. So if you are ready for me to let people all over the world know how much I care for you and find out that there are stories and songs about you all over the place because you keep ignoring me then fine. I will only tell the truth and use things that tell the truth between the both of us. There are two sides to every story but there is also the truth of words, email, and other things we as people leave as evidence. You can eventually run from lies but they catch up with you. I also believe in karma so hating you and to stop loving you was never an option and I made you and God a promise and I will stick buy that. I just want you to know I am far from done and I will take this to the edge of the earth if I have to. All you have to do to end this is be a woman, pick up the phone, and call me. I will even go away forever if that is what you want but you have to pick up the phone and call me and talk to me like an adult. We always used to agree to disagree and I knew that you truly loved me because we never stopped trying to make each other feel like we understood. Please understand now and let your family understand that I truly love you and Dawson Creek with you should be where my home is. I will climb any mountain, swim any sea, and do any crazy or stupid thing just for you to know that I love you and I belong to you. God put me on this earth to love Rachel and Jonathan Myatt and I wont put down my hope on that. May God bless you. You can choose to use the beautiful gift you have Rachel Myatt of love, nurturing, and kindness. You can choose to forgive and gain back someone in your life that loves you like a sister or you can go on running, hiding, and trying to avoid me and I will just keep going strong. God loves us both but I know my path and that is to love and be strong and I wont give up on you like I never gave up on the others. This is only the beginning of what I have to write.
love to all
No comments:
Post a Comment