Dear Readers,
Though I am not suicidal I have basically lost the will to live. There is a difference. This is also not about a pity party I am not that kind of person. I am not going to try to do anything stupid to end my life. I just no longer can deal with people lying, cheating, and putting me down when I do nothing but love and believe in them. I am not a vengeful person and I dont want to live with even the thought of wanting to be vengeful. I don't even have anymore tears left to cry and sometimes I just stare into space. I loved Rachel so much and after all she did after that you just cant believe in love. When people use God as a means to hurt people and God to justify that hurt then it is just messed up. It happened to me on another occasion. The young lady was Catholic and we had been best friends for two years. All the sudden she turns her back on me and starts being cruel putting me down and she dumped me for some Ph.D guy at Notre Dame who didn't end up marrying her anyway. Though I felt some relief and some sort of good karma for all the love I had given her it is just not enough. I am a good soul who loves people and is not in the business of enacting revenge on anyone. I want to use an example of how much I love Rachel
How many of you have read Tolkien's Lord of the Rings? If so then remember that Arogorn future king and Arwen the Elf - Maiden loved each other. Arwen was considered among the most beautiful people in Middle Earth. That is how I felt about Rachel at the time she was beautiful both inside and outside. Arogorn was a man and Arwen was of Elfkind. Arwen's father Elrond at one time asked Aragorn to forsake her love so that she could go to the Undying Lands and live as an immortal. He also was reluctant to follow the path in front of him to be the rightful king of Gondor and he was to be both king of Gondor and Arnor. He battled with this destiny placed before him for years. He also fell in love with Arwen the first time he saw her. I did the same the first time I saw Rachel. It took 30 years before the two were able to marry and I wanted and told Rachel I would have waited years because our friendship and love was so special. She was never rushed into anything as she would have people think. My point being is what if Aragorn had of given up. How would things have turned out and though this is just fiction my life is a reality? I want people and Rachel to think what if I had of given up last year and done harm to myself. You know the reason I didn't because I truly loved her and I didn't want her to live with that hurt even though she has put so much hurt and pain on me. I still live and I still love her. I just really have lost my passion for loving people and trusting people because of it. I sometimes wonder how much longer I will live though. I feel like it is slowly coming to an end and I am so young being in my mid 30s but that is how sad things have become. I press on though because I believe in God and that He will make things right. He brought me to Rachel and He will in time give her the love to see the love He gave me for her. Ultimately the point I was trying to make with the Lord of The Rings analogy is this. Arwen had the chance to live forever as an Elf or become mortal and leave her family behind for Aragorn and live only a fraction of eternity. She chose to love for a little time and be with someone who truly loved her. I truly loved Rachel and was willing to leave my humble life and family behind in the USA to be with her and Jonathan and give her all my love and time and do that in God's name. It is sad though that some people want to make me out to be crazy and be the villian when I have always been the one with the love. I wish you knew how much I truly loved you Rachel. I will leave you all with this song today by Hole called "Petals" while Courtney Love is not the greatest person to go to for anything at this time in her being a musician she and her band wrote some beautiful songs. This is the last song on the album Celebrity Skin and I dedicate it to Rachel to let her know how hurt and sad I am without her in my life. It is literally killing me. I love you dear Rachel please have the courage to come back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMhLIIoGLLs
You were my one true love Rachel Myatt, I know you wont hear my Christmas wish so I will just lie down on Christmas Day and give up. I am ready to be called home because you or any one else doesnt appreciate the love I have here on earth so My Heavenly Father can take my essence and put it to use elsewhere.
Though I am not suicidal I have basically lost the will to live. There is a difference. This is also not about a pity party I am not that kind of person. I am not going to try to do anything stupid to end my life. I just no longer can deal with people lying, cheating, and putting me down when I do nothing but love and believe in them. I am not a vengeful person and I dont want to live with even the thought of wanting to be vengeful. I don't even have anymore tears left to cry and sometimes I just stare into space. I loved Rachel so much and after all she did after that you just cant believe in love. When people use God as a means to hurt people and God to justify that hurt then it is just messed up. It happened to me on another occasion. The young lady was Catholic and we had been best friends for two years. All the sudden she turns her back on me and starts being cruel putting me down and she dumped me for some Ph.D guy at Notre Dame who didn't end up marrying her anyway. Though I felt some relief and some sort of good karma for all the love I had given her it is just not enough. I am a good soul who loves people and is not in the business of enacting revenge on anyone. I want to use an example of how much I love Rachel
How many of you have read Tolkien's Lord of the Rings? If so then remember that Arogorn future king and Arwen the Elf - Maiden loved each other. Arwen was considered among the most beautiful people in Middle Earth. That is how I felt about Rachel at the time she was beautiful both inside and outside. Arogorn was a man and Arwen was of Elfkind. Arwen's father Elrond at one time asked Aragorn to forsake her love so that she could go to the Undying Lands and live as an immortal. He also was reluctant to follow the path in front of him to be the rightful king of Gondor and he was to be both king of Gondor and Arnor. He battled with this destiny placed before him for years. He also fell in love with Arwen the first time he saw her. I did the same the first time I saw Rachel. It took 30 years before the two were able to marry and I wanted and told Rachel I would have waited years because our friendship and love was so special. She was never rushed into anything as she would have people think. My point being is what if Aragorn had of given up. How would things have turned out and though this is just fiction my life is a reality? I want people and Rachel to think what if I had of given up last year and done harm to myself. You know the reason I didn't because I truly loved her and I didn't want her to live with that hurt even though she has put so much hurt and pain on me. I still live and I still love her. I just really have lost my passion for loving people and trusting people because of it. I sometimes wonder how much longer I will live though. I feel like it is slowly coming to an end and I am so young being in my mid 30s but that is how sad things have become. I press on though because I believe in God and that He will make things right. He brought me to Rachel and He will in time give her the love to see the love He gave me for her. Ultimately the point I was trying to make with the Lord of The Rings analogy is this. Arwen had the chance to live forever as an Elf or become mortal and leave her family behind for Aragorn and live only a fraction of eternity. She chose to love for a little time and be with someone who truly loved her. I truly loved Rachel and was willing to leave my humble life and family behind in the USA to be with her and Jonathan and give her all my love and time and do that in God's name. It is sad though that some people want to make me out to be crazy and be the villian when I have always been the one with the love. I wish you knew how much I truly loved you Rachel. I will leave you all with this song today by Hole called "Petals" while Courtney Love is not the greatest person to go to for anything at this time in her being a musician she and her band wrote some beautiful songs. This is the last song on the album Celebrity Skin and I dedicate it to Rachel to let her know how hurt and sad I am without her in my life. It is literally killing me. I love you dear Rachel please have the courage to come back.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMhLIIoGLLs
You were my one true love Rachel Myatt, I know you wont hear my Christmas wish so I will just lie down on Christmas Day and give up. I am ready to be called home because you or any one else doesnt appreciate the love I have here on earth so My Heavenly Father can take my essence and put it to use elsewhere.
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