You have never been my enemy. I don't know what I ever did but love you and believe in you for you to treat me the way you did. I have spent the better part of a year trying to make peace with you. We both did things that were wrong I am not going to harp on it. I know that I miss you everyday. You were my best friend. I could let hate and revenge eat me up inside. I could stop loving you. I could do things to bring you great hurt. That has never been my intention. All I wanted was peace with you. It took me 5 years to date anyone because of all the pain and hurt I had been through before. You made me believe someone would love me for who I was and I felt someone truly wanted me. In my heart now I feel like I am not worth love or deserve a family after what happened. I feel unwanted, unloved, and for the rest of my life my heart is truly broken. I love you with all my heart. My heart has been in shambles. I have tried to get you to talk to me and I put my faith in God. I forgive you and I wish you would pick up the phone and call me and that we be back in each others life. Do you know why I did the Letters to Rachel project because you just cut me off and treated me like I didn't exist. Do you know how much I love you. I went the world over letting you know I loved you. I told of all my pain, the hurt, the wanting to die, the shame. I put myself out there so you could know how much you and Jonathan meant to me. Maybe you think I did all this hurt you. If you knew all the hurt I was going through when I came to see you then you would have thought about it before you said and did. I didn't react in the best way but at the time I needed no more than love and support. I didn't have a lot of people to support me after my mothers death but my love for you and Jonathan was the greatest gift I could have ever had. I lived to love you two. Rachel you were the most beautiful woman I had ever met, you had a wonderful little boy that I wanted to be part of his life and wanted to share all my love with the both of you. Imagine losing the person who taught you how to love and care for people and then a couple of weeks later losing the person who you thought loved you and wanted to be there for you in your life and give you the love you thought you deserved. It was devastating. I was never trying to manipulate you. I truly wanted to die, so for you to say that I was trying to play games with you was very hurtful. It did happen. The doctors, the tears, the pain, the barely eating, severe weight loss, my hair fell out. I was that broken and worst of all during the holidays it made it even worst when you sent my Christmas card back. I can't make you see this path that God has put me on Rachel but if you think of all the other men who gave up on you and didn't truly love you then think about me how I was willing to come to you even in a time of crisis in my family, how I was faithful in getting up every morning and emailing you before work. How I would just text you little I love yous and I was thinking about you all the time. Think of how faithful and how much I love you and Jonathan. Think of how I always told you if I were going out with one of my girl friends and how I told you I had the oppurtunity to be unfaitfhful to you but I told that person that I was in love with you and I would not cheat on you. You never appreciated that I was so loyal and loved you and Jonathan so much. I can't stop loving you and I want you to know if it takes all of 2012 and more campaigning to show you I love you then I will do that. I would hope after reading this and taking it in you would think about how much this person who you hurt truly loves you. It is up to you Rachel it is between you and God now. Last week I was ready to just give up be evil and do something to really hurt you. I stepped back and thought do I love this person? Or do I want to be evil and not show love to fulfill some selfish desire to get revenge on her. No I prayed and I just kept on my my course of loving you even if you are not responsive to it. I will just keep trying.
I want you to take a minute to watch this video entitled "Love Your Enemies" I have used it before back in May but I thought about how beautiful this would be if you would see this and see how much I love you and I am trying to be that person that loves you through even the most impossible of circumstances http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Ka7TQPwGVI
I know one thing in this life Rachel. God loves us all. Our Lord Jesus Christ gave of Himself unselfishly, altruisticlly, and with love so that we could be free. He came down to earth and endured the human experience so that we could live a life not burdened by sin but to be examples of his love.
Rachel why not take this opportunity to be an example in Christ and let it all go. Come back to my heart. My arms are open wide. I love you and Jonathan. I love your family. I love Amanda. I love Howard and Jane. I love you all and that was all I wanted to do. I came almost 2000 miles Rachel because I wanted to love you as my own flesh. I wanted to show you that a man would worship with you, A man would give his all, a man did love you for all you were and was willing to show you that. I am sorry that me being in mourning and grieving made you think that I was sad and damaged. I was in a place where I needed to talk and get a lot of things off my chest I was also in a state of shock and I wish you had of taken that in consideration. What is done though is water under the bridge I want 2012 to be the year we put down the wall between us and bury the hatchet.
In the Bible it says it best about Jesus gift to us in Romans 5:1-15 1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! 10 For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! 11 Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.
12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned—
13 To be sure, sin was in the world before the law was given, but sin is not charged against anyone’s account where there is no law. 14 Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who is a pattern of the one to come.
15 But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16 Nor can the gift of God be compared with the result of one man’s sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17 For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ! Rachel Myatt you are my sister in Christ. Rejoice in the beautiful friendship and love we shared. Put away what ever animosity and hurt you have toward me and I will too. Let us talk again. Love again care again. Life is too short for what we have become. We belong in each others life. I am willing to keep fighting to show you I love you and Jonathan. I am willing to go to the ends of the earth. I am willing to be strong, steadfast, perservere the criticizm, the hurt, and the long nights of doubt why BECAUSE RACHEL MYATT I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND I LOVE YOU AND YOUR SON AS MY OWN FLESH YOU ARE A PART OF ME YOU ARE MY FAMILY AND THERE IS NO SACRIFICE I WOULDN'T MAKE EVEN GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU TWO.
So Rachel I am asking you on the Holy Day of Christ birth to let it go and make peace with me. I love you and Jonathan and I am hurting without you in my life. 6 years ago I spent 3 months apart from my friend Scott who I treat as my brother. We grew up differently I am black he is white we had a falling out and for 3 months over something stupid we wasted all the time. A passing glance and a hug ended all that. I cant hug you because you are too far away and I can't make you want to be in my life again but I love you and want you in my life again. It may never be like before but Rachel I cannot give up on you and the love I have for God and the love He has instilled in me will not subside. I want to say this. I am not obsessed with you, I am not crazy, I truly love you and I am willing to fight for those I love. It has always been that way. If you can't look at this blog or go back and look at all the good times we had together and see I am doing this out of love and not to bash, hurt, or demean you then you have missed the point. Sure I have said somethings that have not been the best but I stand my ground and I wont take them back. The best thing is to move forward. I have people so proud of me that I didn't try to get revenge on you and that I am consistent in loving you. So Christmas Day , Dear Rachel call me. Email Me whatever you need to do. End this with me. We are dear friends and after all the hurt I know we can make something special and rekindle some of the beauty we had in our lives. You may never be my girlfriend again but that doenst mean you cant be in my life. I do want to see you and Jonathan again someday. I do love you both in a couple of days you will see something that will let you know how much you mean to me. I am still praying though that tomorrow December 25th 2011 will be the end of the distance between my best friend Rachel Myatt and a new chapter where Rachel and Byron learn to love and be in each others lives again. I named this blog 11th hour because its Christmas Eve one day till Christmas. I always take things to the wire and to the end and I will not give up on you. I also will end it with the video by Rancid of the song 11th hour http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmZjPtXYs_Y please click on the lyrics and read them because I think it shows the strength, determination, and character I have for those I love. I am not going to stop loving and believing in you Rachel Myatt. I don't know why you stopped believing in me and loving me but I wish you would take a second look at it and let me back into your heart that would be the best gift anyone could give me ever in my life. I love you that much. Merry Christmas Rachel Myatt I love you and Jonathan with all my heart and I know that you have love in your heart for me and that you really do want to reconcile I will believe in you and keep waiting. God Bless you and the Myatt family. My true blessing will come to you soon. If you hate me so much that you have to complain about the pictures I will just put up the ones of You, Jonathan and I and send those all over the place. It seems petty since I am only doing this to show you I love you too. I am not doing it to harm but it seems like you want that. They cant take those down at all and I will put them in my letter around the world since you dont want to contact me. You slept with me, you belittled me and called me crazy, you put me down, talked ill against my dead mother and now that someone is showing you what it is to judge someone and not backing down you run scared. I deserve to just level you to the ground with revenge but Christ is and never is about that it is about love. Just admit it you are ashamed of me. That is why I never put any pictures of you and I up accept the sketch pictures because you are so ashamed of me. When I got there all that accepting me and loving me for who I was went out the door. I saw your mothers reaction. I could tell she didnt like me but you didnt stand up and just love me for me. You didnt take the time you let others shape your view and miss out on the true love I had for you and then you slandered and put me down. You want to act like a victim when you are the one who started all the hurt and hate. All I ever did was love you and you thought there would be no consequences to running your mouth and being selfish. This was your choice I love you Rachel and you just keep trying to avoid all the stuff you have done. God bless
"Guilt is something small people use when they run out of excuses for their actions" Gaius Baltar
I have never wanted anything but to love you, peace, and forgiveness. I regret nothing and I will not stand back and be made the villian in this. I put my faith in God.
Love
B
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