Dear Readers,
I was going to write a blog in response to The New Church Perspective essay Other Revelations but I got a revelation of my own this morning. Here it is almost 6:30 am and I could not sleep. Rachel is on my mind and how I am at a crossroads and how I know that I have to keep loving her without trying to hurt. I also have to do so in a way that lets her and her family know I am serious and that she has always meant something special to me. Anyone that wants to make fun of me, call me obsessed, crazy, that I should just let it go, or that I am messed up that is fine. You have never had to live my life and you have no idea what God has in store for me. I know that I am on the right path. I want to tell you all a little story that involves music that may let you into why Rachel means so much to me and why God let me know she is worth not giving up on.
When someone ask me who my heros are I usually tell them Jesus Christ, My mom, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, a lot of different women who I admire the list is too great, and a man named Jim Ellison , he was the lead singer for a band called Material Issue back in the late 80s and early to mid 90s. They are my 3rd favorite musical band of all time. Whether she got it or not I sent Rachel a greatest hits collection of their songs months ago. I hope she did and she listened to it. Jim Ellison wrote the most beautiful songs about women. A lot of his songs were names of women like their biggest hit was "Valerie Loves Me" from the 1991 album International Pop Overthrow https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcRtlj8KXT4&ob=av3e In that same album on the song "International PoP Overthrow" Jim had one of the greatest lyrics ever "I dont need a girlfriend I need an accomplice" To this day that is all I wanted in life is a real woman to share my life with. Jim inspired me to truly love women and to truly look into heartbreak and despair and to give your all no matter what. I have a signed copy of their 3rd album "Freak City Soundtrack" and also the sole MI tshirt I have is from that album. When I decided to ask Rachel to be my girlfriend I sent her this song which sums up what I think of her. To me she was everything I ever wanted. A loving woman, my best friend, a wonderful mother and she was the one I wanted to share my love of God with, my secrets, have children with and love her child with all my heart. So today once again like I did so long ago I dedicate the song "Everything" To Rachel Myatt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NtEbFcQ-Yg&ob=av2e Rachel I love you with the most tender and deepest of loves and that is why I cannot give up on you. To give up on you would be to give up on the love God gave me and to give up on my biggest dream. I could never love again because I am truly in love with you. There was no other woman that could tempt me from the love I had for you. I had people I could have cheated on you with, I could have but I would have felt dirty and I would never lie to you. You were and still are everything I want. I dont know what I did but believe in you to deserve the treatment I did especially when I needed you most. When two people are in a relationship you need to be able to deal with crisis and the crisis is that I was hurting and all I wanted was to be with you and Jonathan and not have you judge me like you did but you did in every way possible. There is nothing that you would do or would happen that would have turned me away from loving you Rachel. If you had of been going through the same thing I would have dropped everything to be there for you and I bet my employers and family would have understood and let me come be with you. That is how much I am loved and respected because I am there for the people who mean that much to me. So where am I going with this Jim Ellison story? In 1996 I was waiting for the new Material Issue album I had just turned 21 and after seeing them when I was 18 I was blown away and he has always been the inspirations for the songs I write. Sadly Jim Ellison commited suicide on June 20th 1996 by carbon monoxide poisoning apparently distraught over a failed relationship here is his Wikipedia page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Ellison I also wanted to add since Rachel is Canadian the song that Gordon Downie of Canadian band The Tragically Hip(who I had also seen my first time the year I first saw Material Issue) wrote for Ellison "Escape is At Hand for The Traveling Man" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JBsHeBE3Jc This is a moving song about the two meeting and the effect Jim's death had on Gordon. I am in tears writing this listening to this song because it remind me of how much I love Rachel and how much Jim's songs helped me through troubled times in my life. After Jim died Material Issue issued a posthumous album called Telecommando Americana the last song on the album proper was called "Off the Hook" it started with a telephone off the hook and ended that way and in it Jim hinted in the lyrics "Maybe you should have taken a second look, before you went and left me Off the Hook" It sends chills down my spine to this day because someone could have listend to his cries for help. He needed love and attention not people judging him. Rachel if you could only look into your heart and see that is what you did to me. I felt off the hook because not only did you abandon me, you said you would be there for me and then started ridiculing me, putting me down, and hurting me on a level you didnt even begin to understand. I looked up to you as my girlfriend and my dearest friend. I believed in you and you and Jonathan are what kept me smiling during the weeks after my moms death. Then you treated me like a leper, walked away from me, said all those cruel things. I don't know why Jim gave up but I knew I felt like giving up. I stayed though because I love you, I still love you very much. I didnt want to hurt you. I wanted Jim's parents and family one day to hear the music I wrote and when I share that story with them I want them to know that a black teenager who every thought should be listening to rap and R&B which was the stereotype in 1991 was inspired by the little Chicago rock band that could Material Issue and their charasmatic frontman and lead singer Jim Ellison. I wanted them to know how he touched my life and because of him I never wanted to give up on the woman I love. I think what if Jim had lived and let this woman know how much she meant to him. Sometimes the person we love most we cant give up on. To give up on Rachel Myatt would be to give up on my life. Rachel Myatt I love you and Jonathan like my own flesh and I would give my life for you but for love not because I was depressed and distraught. So I lived on and I am still loving her and I want to thank God first and foremost. I want to thank Jim for being my inspirations and in March I am going to go to his grave and just put flowers and tell him I love him though I only met him once. Thank you for helping me though the tough times and thank Jesus Christ for letting such an amazing man share his vision with the world. So that is what I want Rachel, The Myatt Family to understand. I also want the Church of the New Jerusalem to understand is that it is love that fuels me not hate, not hurt, not trying to get revenge for pass transgressions. In fact I want you to know that I forgive Rachel for all that she said to me. I want to see her again. I want to talk to her again. I want to love her again. That is up to her though if she cant see how much she truly means to me and how much Jonathan means to me that that is her loss. I will not stop loving her and February will be the start of something even bigger to show her that. Until then I hope you have enjoyed my little story and I hope that it inspires you to not give up on life and to help those who feel like giving up. Nobody was there for me when I needed it I got people making fun of me, my dad was harsh and hurtful and didn't understand me, my brother was going through the grief process in his own way. Rachel was my best friend and I turned to her for love, friendship, and a ear but she took it all the wrong way and put me down. So I felt like dying. I am not ashamed. I cant change that but Rachel and I can change where this has led it is never to late to love, to make peace, and to make things new again. Christ love for the Human Race is the biggest example of that.
Rachel Myatt I love you with all my heart. I am reaching out to you because you are one of my heros, my heroines to be correct. I tried to show you that in all my letters, my emails, my promise to come see you, my promise to love you unconditonally, my promise to God. I only wanted to share myself with you and Jonathan and nothing stood in the way of that. I am sorry that for whatever reason you choose not to see that and you gave up on me but I wont give up on you. I love you and I hope God blesses you today and that you will email are call soon. I
I leave you all with an acoustic version of Material Issues "Next Big Thing" from the album Destination https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glYvE0LCCk0
I never wanted or want to hurt you baby. I love you with all my heart I never needed anything but your love and Jonathan's so I dedicated this song "Things I Never Needed" By Grace Potter & The Nocturnals to you today with all of the love God gives me for you. I dont want this anymore this not being in each others lives I miss you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Qy67CqmX-o&feature=related
Rachel Myatt I love you and wish you nor harm or ill will but everyday you turn me away you do that to me. I put my faith in God that you will come back and so I leave you with this scripture today
Mark 10:27
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
God Bless All
I was going to write a blog in response to The New Church Perspective essay Other Revelations but I got a revelation of my own this morning. Here it is almost 6:30 am and I could not sleep. Rachel is on my mind and how I am at a crossroads and how I know that I have to keep loving her without trying to hurt. I also have to do so in a way that lets her and her family know I am serious and that she has always meant something special to me. Anyone that wants to make fun of me, call me obsessed, crazy, that I should just let it go, or that I am messed up that is fine. You have never had to live my life and you have no idea what God has in store for me. I know that I am on the right path. I want to tell you all a little story that involves music that may let you into why Rachel means so much to me and why God let me know she is worth not giving up on.
When someone ask me who my heros are I usually tell them Jesus Christ, My mom, Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails, a lot of different women who I admire the list is too great, and a man named Jim Ellison , he was the lead singer for a band called Material Issue back in the late 80s and early to mid 90s. They are my 3rd favorite musical band of all time. Whether she got it or not I sent Rachel a greatest hits collection of their songs months ago. I hope she did and she listened to it. Jim Ellison wrote the most beautiful songs about women. A lot of his songs were names of women like their biggest hit was "Valerie Loves Me" from the 1991 album International Pop Overthrow https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcRtlj8KXT4&ob=av3e In that same album on the song "International PoP Overthrow" Jim had one of the greatest lyrics ever "I dont need a girlfriend I need an accomplice" To this day that is all I wanted in life is a real woman to share my life with. Jim inspired me to truly love women and to truly look into heartbreak and despair and to give your all no matter what. I have a signed copy of their 3rd album "Freak City Soundtrack" and also the sole MI tshirt I have is from that album. When I decided to ask Rachel to be my girlfriend I sent her this song which sums up what I think of her. To me she was everything I ever wanted. A loving woman, my best friend, a wonderful mother and she was the one I wanted to share my love of God with, my secrets, have children with and love her child with all my heart. So today once again like I did so long ago I dedicate the song "Everything" To Rachel Myatt. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NtEbFcQ-Yg&ob=av2e Rachel I love you with the most tender and deepest of loves and that is why I cannot give up on you. To give up on you would be to give up on the love God gave me and to give up on my biggest dream. I could never love again because I am truly in love with you. There was no other woman that could tempt me from the love I had for you. I had people I could have cheated on you with, I could have but I would have felt dirty and I would never lie to you. You were and still are everything I want. I dont know what I did but believe in you to deserve the treatment I did especially when I needed you most. When two people are in a relationship you need to be able to deal with crisis and the crisis is that I was hurting and all I wanted was to be with you and Jonathan and not have you judge me like you did but you did in every way possible. There is nothing that you would do or would happen that would have turned me away from loving you Rachel. If you had of been going through the same thing I would have dropped everything to be there for you and I bet my employers and family would have understood and let me come be with you. That is how much I am loved and respected because I am there for the people who mean that much to me. So where am I going with this Jim Ellison story? In 1996 I was waiting for the new Material Issue album I had just turned 21 and after seeing them when I was 18 I was blown away and he has always been the inspirations for the songs I write. Sadly Jim Ellison commited suicide on June 20th 1996 by carbon monoxide poisoning apparently distraught over a failed relationship here is his Wikipedia page http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jim_Ellison I also wanted to add since Rachel is Canadian the song that Gordon Downie of Canadian band The Tragically Hip(who I had also seen my first time the year I first saw Material Issue) wrote for Ellison "Escape is At Hand for The Traveling Man" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JBsHeBE3Jc This is a moving song about the two meeting and the effect Jim's death had on Gordon. I am in tears writing this listening to this song because it remind me of how much I love Rachel and how much Jim's songs helped me through troubled times in my life. After Jim died Material Issue issued a posthumous album called Telecommando Americana the last song on the album proper was called "Off the Hook" it started with a telephone off the hook and ended that way and in it Jim hinted in the lyrics "Maybe you should have taken a second look, before you went and left me Off the Hook" It sends chills down my spine to this day because someone could have listend to his cries for help. He needed love and attention not people judging him. Rachel if you could only look into your heart and see that is what you did to me. I felt off the hook because not only did you abandon me, you said you would be there for me and then started ridiculing me, putting me down, and hurting me on a level you didnt even begin to understand. I looked up to you as my girlfriend and my dearest friend. I believed in you and you and Jonathan are what kept me smiling during the weeks after my moms death. Then you treated me like a leper, walked away from me, said all those cruel things. I don't know why Jim gave up but I knew I felt like giving up. I stayed though because I love you, I still love you very much. I didnt want to hurt you. I wanted Jim's parents and family one day to hear the music I wrote and when I share that story with them I want them to know that a black teenager who every thought should be listening to rap and R&B which was the stereotype in 1991 was inspired by the little Chicago rock band that could Material Issue and their charasmatic frontman and lead singer Jim Ellison. I wanted them to know how he touched my life and because of him I never wanted to give up on the woman I love. I think what if Jim had lived and let this woman know how much she meant to him. Sometimes the person we love most we cant give up on. To give up on Rachel Myatt would be to give up on my life. Rachel Myatt I love you and Jonathan like my own flesh and I would give my life for you but for love not because I was depressed and distraught. So I lived on and I am still loving her and I want to thank God first and foremost. I want to thank Jim for being my inspirations and in March I am going to go to his grave and just put flowers and tell him I love him though I only met him once. Thank you for helping me though the tough times and thank Jesus Christ for letting such an amazing man share his vision with the world. So that is what I want Rachel, The Myatt Family to understand. I also want the Church of the New Jerusalem to understand is that it is love that fuels me not hate, not hurt, not trying to get revenge for pass transgressions. In fact I want you to know that I forgive Rachel for all that she said to me. I want to see her again. I want to talk to her again. I want to love her again. That is up to her though if she cant see how much she truly means to me and how much Jonathan means to me that that is her loss. I will not stop loving her and February will be the start of something even bigger to show her that. Until then I hope you have enjoyed my little story and I hope that it inspires you to not give up on life and to help those who feel like giving up. Nobody was there for me when I needed it I got people making fun of me, my dad was harsh and hurtful and didn't understand me, my brother was going through the grief process in his own way. Rachel was my best friend and I turned to her for love, friendship, and a ear but she took it all the wrong way and put me down. So I felt like dying. I am not ashamed. I cant change that but Rachel and I can change where this has led it is never to late to love, to make peace, and to make things new again. Christ love for the Human Race is the biggest example of that.
Rachel Myatt I love you with all my heart. I am reaching out to you because you are one of my heros, my heroines to be correct. I tried to show you that in all my letters, my emails, my promise to come see you, my promise to love you unconditonally, my promise to God. I only wanted to share myself with you and Jonathan and nothing stood in the way of that. I am sorry that for whatever reason you choose not to see that and you gave up on me but I wont give up on you. I love you and I hope God blesses you today and that you will email are call soon. I
I leave you all with an acoustic version of Material Issues "Next Big Thing" from the album Destination https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glYvE0LCCk0
I never wanted or want to hurt you baby. I love you with all my heart I never needed anything but your love and Jonathan's so I dedicated this song "Things I Never Needed" By Grace Potter & The Nocturnals to you today with all of the love God gives me for you. I dont want this anymore this not being in each others lives I miss you. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Qy67CqmX-o&feature=related
Rachel Myatt I love you and wish you nor harm or ill will but everyday you turn me away you do that to me. I put my faith in God that you will come back and so I leave you with this scripture today
Mark 10:27
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”
God Bless All
