Disclaimer. I am in no way calling or endorsing the calling of either Ms or Mrs Myatt as a "whore" the video above and the following blog is a metaphor and allegory about myself dedicated to Rachel and Jane Myatt so I am addressing them in the title. I love them both would not refer to any woman as such. It is a precursor to the Mother's Day Blog I will write tomorrow morning to let the Myatt Family know how deeply they all have hurt me in ignoring my call to peace and also abandoning me when they acted like they were truly interested in having me in their lives especially after I lost my Mother. You can think what you want but this is a little window into my soul and I have nothing to fear or hide. Also if you choose to listen to the video there are questionable and obscene words. I was 12 yrs old when I first heard this song and it has meaning to me. I do not apologize for its content and ti serves a purpose in my story.
Dear Readers,
Thursday night I attended a concert by Jane's Addiction at SMU University in Dallas. In my younger days I loved Jane's Addiction because they stood up for equality, against racism, and people's rights. Perry Ferrell their leader broke color lines and musical barriers with his Lollapolooza festival by putting together the best of alternative music with hip hop therefore excluding anyone from the party. It made me think of how Jesus doesnt exclude anyone from finding their way to Him and entering the Kingdom of Heaven. As a little boy I was an outcast as many of you have read. I wasn't accepted by other black kids because I was such a nerd. I wasnt cool enough to be a thug or in a gang. I was harrassed and beaten up on a regular basis but I always fought back both physically and mentally. Some of the white kids accepted me but they themselves were misfits. For the most part they were the people who no one else accepted or they just didnt want part of the inner circle. All I really wanted was to be loved and accepted and I never really got that from my peers until after I had been in college for 2 yrs. People who were cruel to me started calling or finding me and apologizing. People who made fun of me remembered me and were nice to me. It was all very disheartening because it was after the fact. It was all part of God's plan to make me a better person.
I want you to examine these lyrics from the Jane's Addiction song "Whores" they are the opening lyrics.
Way down low where the streets are littered
I find my fun with the freaks and the niggers
I dont want much man give me a little
Or Im gonna take my chances if i get 'em
I love them whores they never judge you
What can you say when your a whore?
They cast that pearl and it don't upset 'em
They take their chances if they get 'em
I was constantly called the N-word at home by my father preceded by worthless. White people would refer to me as such and people have no idea what abuse and hurt the use of that word can bring especially when you already dont fit in. I was only 12 but I understood what Mr. Farrell meant. A white guy using the word Nigger to describe people in general :the seedy surroundings he encountered in L.A. and other parts of California. I knew what it meant to be that outcast. I knew what it meant to be that Whore because I never judged anyone I accepted them and took the chance to love people and accept them for who they are. My association with this song has nothing to do with a sexual connotation it has deeper meaning. It is about the willingness to see people for who they are ugly or beautiful. Better or for worst. Black or White. Christian or Muslim. Humankind.....
My Direct Message to Jane and Rachel Myatt.
To Jane Myatt.
I love both of you and to you Jane I wanted to say this. I looked up to you from the moment Rachel let me into her life. She told me stories about you and when I finally met you I was so happy I wanted you to be in my life as a mother figure, a friend, and an influence but I felt that you were one reason Rachel didn't want to keep seeing me. Yes I have my flaws in my problems but I was hurting deep inside I was the happiest man in the world being with your daughter but I was also sad at the time. The best healing I could have had was being with Rachel and Jonathan to me they were my world. I would have never left their side. It made me sad to see you with all your family because my mother wanted grandchildren and my brother and I were never able to find a woman to give her that. When I met Rachel she was so happy even at the end of her life she gave me permission to leave her to die and come see Rachel and Jonathan but I refused to leave until she got better or passed away. Sadly it was the latter. She blessed you all because she had never seen me so happy and she was happy she talked about how she would love Jonathan as her own and how much she wanted to meet him and Rachel. Even if she never got to she died seeing her son happy and truly in love. She was the most selfless woman I know. I am my mothers son because I was willing to give up everything I had here to be with Rachel and Jonathan and you never saw the little smiles on my face and in my heart when I was with all of you. I am an intimidating person and God made me to look mean and unapprochable but when people take that chance they find out how sweet, kind, and gentle my soul really was. I am sorry that you and your family didnt see how much I truly loved Rachel and Jonathan and this blog has been to show her that I would do anything in the world to be with her even share my story worldwide. It has not been to hurt her or the New Church or your family. It has been to show her that I truly love her and I would go to extremes to love her. I want to end my message with a love song to Rachel by Billy Joel "I Go To Extremes" I love your daughter this much dear Jane. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xgjtm4_M20 God put this love in my heart and even if you think Im crazy, hate me, or whatever you think I love Rachel and Jonathan with all my heart and she and he were the ones I would have given my life for now I dont even care to love anyone else because my faith in women has been shatter I truly loved Rachel. I love you and respect you Jane and hopefully for mother's day you will understand the pain your daughter causes me each day she doesnt make peace with me.
To Rachel Myatt.
You were my best friend Rachel and in my heart you are still there. It feels like you have been away on vacation for a long time and I am waiting for you to come back. I am waiting I am putting my trust in God that you will. I do not know why you ran or why you were so cruel to me when all I did was love you Rachel. I loved you and Jonathan with all my heart and one day when you lose one of your parents you will understand what it is like. Just like I can not say I know what it is like to have a child of my own you cant know what I had to go through in my mothers death but instead you chose to judge my character based on the fact that I wasn't as active or lively as I could have been. That is what hurt the most Rachel. You knew I loved you with all my heart. I gave up other opportunities, I thwarted sexual advances which I told you about, I wanted to be with you and Jonathan only. I was and still am very much in love with you and through my hurt, anger, and dismay I have never stopped loving you. If you think this worldwide campaign to show people I love you was to hurt, embarrass you, or do you any harm you are mistaken. I did it one to show you that with God I believe you can do anything. Two because you constantly doubted my love, my ablilities, and most of all my love of God. I wanted to worship and be with you more than anything in the world . I wanted the family, the Church, the working hard whatever it was just to come home and kiss you everyday hug Jonathan and play with him and be there for you. I wanted you and I to grow in the Lord as one. I wanted you to come here and go Geocaching in a different setting have Amanda and her kids come visit down here too. I loved you all but you were so mean and uncaring and never gave that a chance. I just want to wish you happy Mothers Day and tomorrow I will write a blog to show your family how much you truly hurt me and have traumatized me. I know you have lost your Grandfather recently so think about how it affected your Mom and your Grandmother and think about me and the grief I had to go through but still being able to keep my promise and love you and Jonathan. When people die life goes on and we keep them in my heart. I keep my Mom in my heart by continuing to love people like you who hurt me because the most courageous thing she did was apologize, ask forgiveness, and make peace with all those she had a problem with a week before she died. She sent them gifts, told them she loved them, I saw her cry, and I watched her basically say goodbye even though I didnt know at the time she knew. I love you Rachel Myatt with all my heart and you have put a hole in my heart the size of Austrailia. I love you and Jonathan to no end and that will never change.
God Bless ALL
Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers in the Myatt, Friesen, and Baker Families
To Pastor Coleman Glenn I wish the best to your Mother and any Mothers in your family too.
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