Suicide Note by Johnette Napolitano(singer of Concrete Blonde)
Dear Readers(This is addressed to Pastor Glenn and Rachel Myatt)
What if I had of given up on life in September of 2010 or anytime after that? What if I had of left this earth because of what Rachel had done. What if I had of been selfish and left her with that for the rest of her life. You know why even though as betrayed and hurt as I was I will tell you all this. I am still alive because I loved Rachel enough not to want to have her feel pain like she inflicted on me. I also told Rachel that if I lived through it she would endure a fight and a love like she has never encountered before. Pastor Glenn if you truly did care about what I feel or felt like then listen to the words of this song. For months this was all I had. At about 1:46 the lyrics about Winning a War Inside one's head that another person might not understand. In all our conversations this is what I am geting at. Rachel had no idea what I was going through and instead of being the loving kind girlfriend and friend she said she was going to be and betrayed, lied, and ridiculed me. She could have chosen to be compassionate and understanding but she didnt. She jumped to conclusions about me. The whole time I was in Dawson Creek I was so happy. I was shy and reserved and just trying to get a feel for Rachel and her family but I was so happy. Rachel made all these assumptions that I didnt like what we were doing or that I was sad and damaged and it just wasnt true. She never asked me how I felt she just made up stuff when I got back and that is one reason my heart broke so deeply and I felt like dying. The person who said they would love and accept me for me wasn't very accepting. What was more disheartening is not even praying with me when I needed that little bit of bonding and encouragement. How can you claim to be a Christian and not even offer your close friend and boyfriend a prayer? What kind of messed up theology is that Coleman Glenn? Rachel Myatt? I really want you to think of how losing a love one affects you. Truth is Rachel and Coleman I was very happy being away from all the death and sorrow I had to deal with when my mother passed. I had never really had a chance to talk to anyone as my father, my brother, and myself all dealt with it in different ways. My way was loving Rachel and Jonathan and just remembering to live life and love like my mother said on her deathbed in blessing Rachel and the Myatts. Each day Rachel ignores me Coleman is another day that she hurts what love my mother had in her heart for Rachel and Jonathan and for me. I mean it is sad to say that but its true. When we lose a loved one they live on in our hearts through love. Loving Rachel and Jonathan was one of the most passionate and rewarding things in my life and instead of realize that she was needed and truly loved. Rachel came to conclusions about me and was just cruel, hateful, and inconsiderate. Pastor Glenn you acted in much the same matter being uncaring and only worried about defending your theology over your fellow man. I will always chose helping my brother or sister or choosing peace with them over my selfish personal beliefs because that is the beauty of what Christ dying for us is about. He died so all may live and when we don't reach out to those in need then we are dishonoring His sacrifice. I am sorry that Rachel didnt know how much I truly love her and Jonathan. They still mean the world to me and I will continue trying to reach out to her. Pastor Glenn if you took the time to read my reply to you the other day you will see that I have nothing but love in my heart. If you got the package I sent and saw how much I love Rachel and the Myatts and the donation to your church then you know my heart is not full of hate, angst, or animosity toward Rachel, the Myatts, or the New Church it is full of love. You deny yourselves the chance at knowing me and you judged me so quickly both of you Rachel and Coleman. I waited a lifetime to fall in love with someone like Rachel and she had someone that loved her and would do anything for her and Jonathan and she totally messed it up. She can never say that no one accepted her because I have spent over a year forgiving her, accepting her, and trying to have peace and reconcile with her. I am going to finish this blog on this note and get right to the point . I was grieving and I loved Rachel and Jonathan enough to let go of that grief enough to keep my promise to be with her. Rachel could have been understanding, more perceptive, and communicative with me. Instead she made a mockery of our friendship and all the love we shared between each other. She slept with me when I told her I did not want that unless she wanted to be in a committed relationship. When things got bad at first and I told her I would go to the Church about her attitude she scoffed and told me how stupid I was. I have proved her wrong and I will continue to do so. Rachel if I have to put up every text, email, and conversation in the next couple days to prove my point then I will and dont care how it affects you. Truth is my dear all I want is peace and reconcilation with you.
Pastor Coleman Glenn if you want a glimpse of how your reaction as a pastor affected me then I urge you to listen to the above song. I felt that way at one time and it was because of Rachel's action. She could have been patient and long suffering with me like I was with her and watched our friendship and relationship blossom but instead she was hasty, quick to judge, and very rude and inconsiderate. I take responsibility for anything I have said and done but I am willing to forgive and forget with Rachel. I want her to know that I still think the world of her even after all the tears and the pain I endured I am still here .
I was never afraid to love and dream with you Rachel Myatt. You were the one who was afraid to keep loving and dreaming. I never stopped loving you and I never stopped caring. You have a chance to make things right. You have a chance to show love and that it will always win over evil. A chance to triumph over all the bad that has gone on between us and conquer it with Christ love. Forgiveness, Reconcilation, and A true friend is what lies at the end of that tunnel and it is up to you to make your choice. I choose to keep loving you. Keep campaigning and keep letting others know I love you. I will do that until I hear from you. The ball is in your court and the decision is in your hands I am open armend and open hearted and I am waiting for you to come back.
God Bless All
No comments:
Post a Comment