The Skin By ALL
Sorrow By Bad Religion (Acoustic)
Dear Readers,
Rachel was my best earthly friend. Yesterday I posted a very sad and hurtful blog. Did I mean it? Yes every word of it. I am not sorry for it. I will not feel guilty for feeling that way against people who I have shown nothing but love for and I will not ever feel guilty for letting someone know how horrible they treat others and contradict what they say. Was it evil yes it was but according to the New Church its ok to be like that. Right? Anyways I am not here to wax philosophical or put down the New Church doctrine. What I am here to talk about is bigotry on any level. Please take a moment to listen to and read the words to the song I posted above by the band ALL called "The Skin" it is about judging others and then eventually them finally judging you. I want you to know this much about how much I loved Rachel Myatt. Rachel I dont owe you any kindness, any mercy, any love but yet I still have it after all you did to me because I love God. Even after yesterdays blog I still love you with all my heart but I am letting you know where I stand on this I have tried to make peace with you. I have tried to hear back from you and end all this. I am almost to the end of my kindness rope and I pray everyday that I dont slip into an unkindness that will leave me both hollow and jaded but by you not understanding how deeply you hurt me and making peace with me will give me closure you leave the wounds deep open and my chance at any recovery from what happened slim. This is a call to you to finally let it go and forgive me and recieve my forgiveness do it for yourself, do it so you dont have to wonder if I am mad about you and what I am writing and doing. Do it so the Lord can bless us both and evil wont win. I know you love me that is why I am still here. Be brave, be courageous. Be the strong Rachel Myatt I fell in love with. The one that took a chance the one that was scared to be truly loved and now that someone is fighting everyday to show you he would go to the ends of the earth to love you look how you are treating me. I never abandoned you. You abandoned me. I love you and Jonathan more than life itself but you are killing me.
1. Rachel Myatt is the only woman that I wanted to marry that had a kid from another relationship. I loved her and Jonathan enough to where I wanted to give my all to someone elses kid because Jonathan is a special child. He is the reason I have held back so much on what I would say on this blog and if Rachel can't see the true love and unconditional love I have for both of them then its her loss.
2. I wanted nothing more than to love her and her family and for whatever reason she started being cruel, saying mean things, and being a total jerk after the day before telling me she loved me and wanted to be with me so how was I supposed to react. I never once cussed her out on the phone like she did me and I kept asking her why she would do or say the things she did and she never had a straight answer. All I know is that I still love her very much but the love that can turn into hate is walking a thin line and I have asked God to help me with that.
3. I never forced or made Rachel do anything she didnt want to do or didnt let me do with her. If she didnt want to be with me I asked her but instead she said she did and left me in a state of the greatest happiness then tore me down two days later. Any man who went so far and loved someone so much would want to die and that is how I felt. I didn't deserve her cruelty, her suicide remarks about me being mentally ill. I was grieving my mother and the girl who was supposed to be my good Christian honest girlfriend lied to me, straight face lied to me. I will never ever deny I was ready to die but that didnt define me as being crazy it just showed I had lost the two people I loved the most both Rachel and my mother and she didnt understand the nature of what she was doing. End of story.
Ok and while we are on the issue of death I am not some morbid woe is me person. I go out 3 nights a week. I work 6 days a week most weeks. I workout. I went to school to be a personal trainer on top of college for Broadcasting. I go to concerts on a regular basis, like to write and travel. I have a full life. I was willing to give up my freedom. My selfish freedom to do one of the most unselfish things ever. Devote it to Rachel and Jonathan and she didnt appreciate it and she used me. I dont care what anyone thinks she has free will to lie, to hurt others, and to be a jerk. I have free will to react and I reacted with love and reconcilation and she gave up that chance.
I mean how many guys have a Star named on Valentines Day to the girl who almost destroyed them . My love for Rachel is so strong and so beautiful but yet everyone around her doesnt see the beauty of it they would rather make me into a villian for putting my faith in God first and not their hollow advice.
For Pastor Glenn. The reason I refuse to talk to you on the phone is cause you keep patronizing me like I want to commit suicide that was a freaking year and a half ago dude. Im too strong and have too much love for that. I get depressed every once in awhile. Like today my dad is 61 years old and I don't know if he will make it to 62 so I am a little sad but if you read my blogs. Really read my blogs then you will see they are about hope, letting go of the tension between Rachel and I, and about true forgiveness and reconcilation. I don't want revenge on her I want to love her and for her to love me. If she didn't mean so much to me I would have trashed her and screwed her so hard long ago that she might never want to show her face but the truth is I dont want her to be scared our hide in fear. I want her to talk to me, call me, and put this behind her. I love her like my sister, she is still my best friend, and God doenst let you stop loving people. People stop loving people. I choose Christ example. So if you really want to make a difference then maybe you would talk to Rachel about the importance of treating people with dignity and respect. She is not loving me by being the person she has been and if she has truly changed then she would want to make things right but I think she is the same opinionated insecure person that would rather run from the messes she creates then stand up to her fears and face them and this is one that has put her out in the open and caused harm to everyone involved and a couple of words on the phone would go a long way to apease me but she is too scared to face up to what she did and said. So maybe what I am doing is best so that she will realize that being mean spirited, bigoted, disrespectful of the dead and those who survive them and to lie to someone who loves and cares about you will be evils you will work on. If you want to make peace with me and so some good start there COLEMAN!!!!
So if Rachel thinks that Dawson Creek is some kind of utopia and free from evil and that just because I told you and Jane about my life in Texas as being full of racism, bigotry, murder, and drugs that I was complaining and messed up. Here is an example of evil that just happened in Dawson Creek, British Columbia so screw you if you couldnt see that I was just describing what you only see on a small scale as everyday for me. http://www.soundspike.com/story/3850/man-dies-after-fight-at-hedley-concert-in-canada/
I hope this is a Wake Up call for Rachel after yesterdays blog. Things can get ugly and love can turn to something really bad which is where my love for her is about to go. I can only do so much the rest is up to her and when she isnt responsive then I am sorry but I have to do what is in my heart when I dont hear from you. You have my phone number, you have 3 of my emails. If not ask the Pastor for one of them. I mean you no disrespect Rachel nor do I Pastor Glenn but you need to look in the mirror at the heart of this situation. I really do love you. This is not some stupid psychotic crush. No silly staker stuff. This is me I am a true friend. Someone who loves you with all my heart but you are killing all the good that I have left to give to you. I pray today tha Christ help us find our way to back ot each other. That is the greatest hope and loving each other is his commandment.
Ephesians 4:2
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Truth be told I want peace with Rachel Myatt and a lot of people still want me to take revenge on her. I know that is not the Lord's way so do I quit praying? Do I quit believing in Rachel and stop believing in the love God gave me for her and just trash her in the worst way or does God's love lead Rachel to making peace with me and I retain my faith. These questions are yet to be revealed..........
God Bless ALL
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