The Heartfelt Truth About My Love For Rachel(An Understanding For Those Who Are Wondering)

Dear Readers, (Especially Rachel Myatt, The Myatt Family, and Pastor Coleman)
Please watch these videos and pay attention to the times that I have put for you to watch under them.  I want you to pay attention to the character Erin and it is my attempt to show you how Rachel hurting me and continuing to hurt me has made me feel and how you Pastors, Rachel and her family, and Others in the New Church are killing my love and killing me from the inside. I am a human being and I only wanted to be loved not constantly be taken advantage of or be ignored so tonight I will try to let you into the window of my soul and how I am truly feeling and hurting. This is especially for you Rachel. You always have a choice.  You can change all this because I am reaching out to you. You make me feel hurt, despair, and lonliness much like they young lady in the videos because I am trying most of  all to get you to notice me again.  You are my best friend but eventually people wither away from broken hearts and you are slowly doing this to me.

          Watch the first 10 seconds as we are introduced to Erin listen to what she says.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcNyocj0UpI&feature=related  in this video please watch the segment at 7:25 - 7:45

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAnmg2tFNqs&feature=related  in this segment 6:54 - 7:20

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZlGFT0-zY0&feature=related  in this segment 1:07 - 4:10


My dearest readers.  I will tell you my pain. My hurt. My sadness tonight because I love Rachel Myatt. I don't care what you think of me or if you think less of me. One thing about being brave is not being afraid to tell people when you are hurting and that you need help.  I don't need any psychological or doctoral help.  The help I need comes from prayers.  From forgiveness. From Rachel, from her family, From the New Church, From My friends, My family and most of all from God.   The saddest thing about what happened is Rachel never stopped to think about what I was going through and how much I loved her she just abandoned me and was very cruel and hurtful.  She threw all sorts of insults at me and made me feel like I was nothing.  I had traveled 2000 miles for someone I truly loved and loved her son and spent time with her and her family.  That is something I never do right away.  I met one of the most beautiful little boys ever and I wanted to be there for him in his life and give him all the love I had that I never got.  I met the most amazing woman and now she will never know how much I love her. She hides and pretends I never existed.  She shunned and put my love of her down, my love of God down, and most of all she said that I was using my mothers death to keep her around and that I was trying to manipulate her by wanting to die.  It was never like that if she could have seen in my mind why I wanted to die it would be much like the young lady in the video.  I spent my whole life people judging me and passing me by just because of the way I look, color of my skin, or something other superficial and only wanting to fit in and be loved.   I have survived immense racial prejudice, sexual abuse, physical abuse,  taunting, bullying, and the fact that I made it to my 30s without breaking down is a testament to my strength.  In one small moment Rachel , the woman who said she wanted to be with me and finally made me feel like I was loved and wanted tore me down. She didn't even care enough about me to talk to me on the phone.  She sent me a text from 2000 miles away and abandoned me.  I never wanted to die so much.  The person who I had shared all the laughs with, the person I held in my arms, the person who I loved her and her son more than life, didnt care that I went through hell to be with her.  The last time my mother talked to me she was conscious.  I dont think she wanted to tell me she knew she was going to die but she acted like she was going to make it. We talked about her dialysis appointments and how they would have to clean her blood. Then she told me it was ok to go ahead and see Rachel and Jonathan but I told her that I couldnt until I knew she was alright.  She blessed Rachel and her family and sent them her love.  A day later she went unconscious never to awaken, the next day she died.  Rachel and her sister Amanda both sent me text when it happened and that is another thing I wanted you to know.  I wanted so much to love Rachel's family Rachel always talked about her sister fondly and I was so happy to meet Amanda and Rachel's mother Jane.  I was thrilled to meet Jonathan the first night I was there I had bought him Richard Scary book and usually his mother read him a bedtime story but I was honored that on that night he wanted me to read him his bedtime story.  I was so in love with both Rachel and Jonathan and when it came time for me to leave them behind I had so many tears in my eyes.  I cried on the plane back home.  I couldnt wait till the next time I saw Rachel and Jonathan but instead I was told that I wasn't wanted after Rachel said that she wanted to be with me.  I ask you dear Readers how would you feel if you were mourning the loss of your mother and then someone who said they loved you and was going to be there for you abandoned you. I would have never done that to Rachel nor would I have made the assumptions and conclusions that Rachel did about me.  She said I was damaged, mentally ill, I didnt love God, and I was sick I needed help.   I was mourning a parent and I wasnt even half of my old self but I loved Rachel and Jonathan so much I just wanted to be with the person that I loved and start loving her and her family since I had lost one of the most important parts of mine.  On that note of family.  My mother had 2 sons me and my brother and neither one of us had any kids. We were raised to be in loving monogamous relationships and to court for marriage.  I was sad that my mother never had any grandchildren but she died happy with the prospect that I would love Jonathan and Rachel and every picture Rachel shared with me I shared with my mother.  She knew I would be good to them.  My mother was not always the best mother but she was a loyal mother.  She didnt abandon me like my father did and she listened and tried to make the best of all situations.  My father was cruel to her all the time.  He called her the B* word a lot.  Called her worthless as he did myself and ridiculed and put us down both.  I thought I had finally found someone who would take me away from that hurt and pain.  Rachel lived in Northern Canada and since nobody knew me there I could love twice as big and become even more.  I live in Texas where there is so much hate, prejudice, and hurt and I felt that one reason God called me to love Rachel is to have a break from that and just be a person.  I would rather be the one black person in a group of white people and be ridiculed than to be part of a group that thinks we are all the same. I only want to be human. I dont see colors, I dont believe in the word race except for the species Homo Sapiens. I dont divide and draw lines and God loves us all. It is up to us to find HIM and through it all the most hurtful thing about what Rachel did is question my love for God. I remember when Rachel text me to break up with me the first night I said I should be atheist and I was joking but because she  had said I didnt love God she took me serious and more insults came.  I don't and didnt understand how she could be so selfish and hateful especially to someone who went through so much for her.  I just want you all to know that at that time in my life yes I was suicidal.  It didnt mean I was crazy.  Didn't mean I was mentally ill or anything it meant because of all the pain that was being loaded on my back I could not deal with it and simply wanted it to end.  In fact when I was younger I was tested and I was never diagnosed with any  Please check the definition of this at this website especially that which is in red http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/  I have always been there to talk others off the ledge as I was trained to do.  If Rachel had truly loved me like she said she did, she wouldnt have come to the conclusions she did. She would have been a kind and patient girlfriend like I was a kind and patient boyfriend and friend to her.  She didnt stop to think about how her actions or her words could damage me and cause me even more pain and grief than I was already carrying.  Her choice of words and her choice of doing things didnt help in the matter at all.  One thing I also want to point out is that I gave Rachel a choice. I stood at the airport and asked her if she wanted to be with me. I am not the villain here. She mislead me and played with my love. I am the one trying to make peace and reconcilation yet I get excuses and people make reasons for her ignoring me and being evil still. Would Christ want Rachel to talk to me and make peace with me? Sure He would. He doenst want us to hold grudges or hurt each other and when the opportunity for peace and reconcilation arises it is our choice to be evil or we can see the good and all that Christ taught us in His Ministry of Reconcilation and why He died so we all can be reconciled through His sacrifice.  I just want people to know that when I say I am dying  I am literally dying from the inside out. I still go out,  I still make new friends, and I still care for others but what Rachel is doing to me is killing me. My weight goes up and down. I rarely eat and I pray alot but I never give up hope.  I told Rachel that if I stayed alive and didnt give up she would have a fight on her hands and she has.  Rachel and my dear Readers have you noticed that I dont hold anything back and I am risking being sued, losing job opportunities, and having people break into my email and investigate things on me but because my love is rooted in Christ I dont care. I am fearless in my love for Rachel and if it wasnt a love that was from God I wouldn't write this every day or every other day.  I also want to touch on this.  Many of the New Church members want to slight me about my want to have a family and love almost everyone of the Pastors who has done this either has a wife or a wife and children. How could you not want me to have the same and to know that someone would lie to me, mislead me, and use your New Church teachings to do this without being hypocritical. I just want you to think about that for a moment.  I wont name any names but you know who you are if you replied to me.  I also did not just want to marry and settle for anyone. I am in my mid 30's and lots of thought went into a relationship with Rachel especially with a kid involved so contrary to what it seems people like Pastor Glenn think I really do love Rachel and it wasnt just wanting to be with someone for the sake of being married and not being lonely I am in love with her.  I am a human who deserves to be loved and so as I end this blog tonight I end it with this.  My name is Byron. I love Rachel Myatt.  My heart and soul is frail but I believe in the promise God gave me. I am bearing a cross and burden that is so heavy to bear and evil is everywhere around me but I continue to love Rachel even though there is temptation to give up and give into the darkness. I am reaching out for help. My family and friends have already helped. Now I am seeking Rachel Myatts help and her families help so that she knows how much I love her and Jonathan and all the Myatts.  I asking for a truce and peace with Pastor Glenn who I respect and love as a brother in Christ but he seems not to understand the severity of the situation and the love that I have not only for Rachel but for God.  I ask for the New Church to pray worldwide that Love wins in this situation not evil and that Rachel and I make peace and life goes on.  I ask all of this tonight in Lord God Jesus Christ name.

Amen

I want anyone who reads this that no matter what this is how much I love Rachel Myatt this was always a beautiful song "Longer Than" by Dan Fogelberg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALU8QP86IWE   When you find the person you would put everything on the line for they are not worth giving up on. Rachel you are the most important person I have ever met I still love you and Jonathan more than I can say and if you want to continue to be cruel and ignore me I cant make you love me. All I know is that I do.