The Suburbs by Arcade Fire
Dear Rachel and Readers,
Months ago I used this song in one of my blogs. I want to use this song again to make a point about why it is always important to be truthful to people we love and care about. If Rachel loved me as her friend at all regardless of our relationship then she would have been truthful with me instead of be afraid to convey her feelings to me. I am a very understanding and caring person. The fact that other people would write Pastor Glenn about me and my love for Rachel is a testament to that love. People don't know just how much I been through and how I could have been in jail, I could have been dead, or something to that effect. I want to use the song "The Suburbs" by Arcade Fire the Canadian/American band(Texas claims the lead singer Win and his brother William) Anyways the beauty of this song is there is a sense of family. The wanting of people to grow up and to bear offspring and to move into that house and find love and some kind of normalcy. I loved Rachel Myatt enough to want that with her. For the Past 5 years all I had done was travel around. Catch my favorite bands and be selfish. I mean I was charitable and always helped my fellow man but you could have never told me I would fall in love with someone who had a child and who lived in Canada. Not to slight the other Canadian girls I dated but with Rachel it was different. My love for her was the strongest and most beautiful thing ever and many nights I prayed about it. God is she the one? I had temptations around me and I was lonely and hurting but through it all I kept myself pure for Rachel she was the apple of my eye and in the end she never appreciated how much I loved her and all the sacrifice I was willing to make for her. She couldn't let go of all the other pain in her life and the other men who hurt her and for some strange reason she thought I was going to try to push her into marriage and I would never do that I would have waited as long as it took she was worth that to me. She constantly made assumptions about me and downplayed the beautiful person I know that I am. All I did was truly love her and I still truly love her. I am going to make a point though of why I am using the song. Rachel is the woman I wanted to have children with and I loved her and her little boy to no end. I wanted Jonathan to be my stepson eventually and I would have loved him as my own and never thought twice. I wanted a spiritual relationship with Rachel through God and not once did I ever do anything but say that I would accept her religion and study to become in unison with her and I did read the Writings not questioning but examing that to which I could hold true. So Rachel and Readers I leave you with one of the most beautiful lines ever written in the song and a moment that will stay inside me forever because of the person I loved and still love. These lyrics made me cry and when Rachel abandoned me I would listen to this song and think about how much I truly loved her and wanted a family with her. I no longer desire to have that because all people do is lie to me and play games and what Rachel did was cruel and painful. My whole life all I ever wanted was a family of my own but in the end I only wanted it with her so without further adieu here are the lyrics from "The Suburbs" that mean so much to me
So can you understand
Why I want a daughter while I'm still young?
I wanna hold her hand
And show her some beauty
Before this damage is done
But if it's too much to ask, it's too much to ask
Then send me a son
All I ever wanted was to be loved and have my own family. I never had a happy family life growing up and when I lost my mother I was devastated. My father was cruel to me most of my life and to my mother and when I saw that I devoted my life to being kind to women and not treating them with disrespect. My father is sick and he is on chemo they gave him a 60/40 chance of living. He has acknowledged the wrong he did to me and apologized which is something I never expected and it gave me some relief but I never thought less of my dad for the hurt. I just never knew why I deserved it when I never did anything to get into trouble and have been a good man. I gave Rachel more love than you could ever imagine. I actually courted her. I never saw her as an object. I accepted her and her son and wanted them both. In return all I got were lies, deception, ridicule, and told how I didnt love God. To me having a family and love would have saved my heart but I have realized now that maybe I dont deserve that because all I ever do is get lied to and played with. I came from abuse, neglect, and lots of hurt so for any of you reading this in the Church of the New Jerusalem that have families that understand what its like to wake up to your spouse or children and find love and happiness how could any of you ever judge me. I wake up to loneliness and the hurt that Rachel left me with. I wake up to the picture of her and Jonathan next to my bed wishing I was with them and that she had never betrayed me. I think of how I could have turned to drugs, became a womaninzer, drinking and all this stuff after all this happened but I didn't I turned to God. I pray all the time and I write this blog and I love Rachel. So for you Pastors out there who have a family and love in your life how could you slight me for wanting that love and having someone so cruely play with my good heart and true love and to use your doctrine. How could you want to deny me something so pure and know that one of your flock killed that love I had for that by being cruel and using your doctrine to do so. You wonder why I write the things I do and have taken out a campaign against not only the New Church but Rachel Myatt it is for that reason. She played with the love I had for her as a person and destroyed it and in turn it has hurt my love as a person and in the Bible and in the Writings that is a sin. So I want you all to think about that today Swedenborgians, New Church Members, Christians, or whoever reads that. Love can save but evil can kill and what Rachel did to me killed my spirit. I could have given up on everything even my life but even when I wanted to do that I loved Rachel enough to stay alive because I never wanted to hurt her like she hurt me. I wish both the New Church and Rachel would think about the beauty of that and also the beauty of Forgiveness, Friendship, Family, and Kindness. I have never been a hypocrite when it comes to my love of God and I have a very open mind so I listened to a bunch of New Church Sermons and the one that struck me the most was one by Rev Grant Odhner http://www.newchurch.org/about/news/grant-odhner-something-to-eat-sermon.html Rachel always complained about a man not loving her because of her faith and unbeknownst to her everyday I would read from the Writings and listen to many sermons. Pastor Glenn wrote a blog about how other people weren't listening but I was the whole time and I got pushed away. It seems there are two schools of thought in the New Church those who are willing to accept others and embrace them and those who are in some elitest mentality of being on some higher spiritual plane than others. They say they are enlightened but dont want to see others love for God or that others might have a calling that they cant understand or comprehend. Also to anyone who thinks I am bluffing about sending out the essay "Why The Church of the New Jerusalem Thinks You Are Wrong?" I am off work today printing hundreds of copies this is real and Rachel truly hurt me to where I feel like this. I made an analogy to Pastor Glenn about callings which he had written a blog about people having callings. God called me to love Rachel and I will not forsake that I said much like he called Pastor Glenn to be a Pastor and to serve the New Church I was called to love Rachel and while he may not see that or anyone else it is my revelation from God and not for anyone else to see. Rachel may not even see it at this time but I think she does I think she is reluctant to answer on it because she doesn't truly know how much I love her and why all this is happening. My dear Rachel and Readers this is God's calling to me. I am not obsessed with Rachel Myatt, I can stop this blog, I can forget about her, I can even wish evil upon her and do some pretty nasty things but it is not in my nature and it is the good in my heart and God's love that gives me the inspiration to write her everyday almost and to continue loving her. Rachel I pray today that soon we will be in each others lives again.
Our Heavenly Father,
Please give me the strength to always love Rachel and to keep evil out of my heart. Let Rachel know that she and Jonathan still mean the world to me and to let her family know that the love I have for her is real and that I would always love her and Jonathan and cherish them. I ask for Your Guidance, Your Love, and Your Wisdom in showing Rachel that I love her and that You Oh Lord, show me the way to continuing to love her with kindness, with mercy, and long suffering. Thank you for bringing Rachel into my life and letting me see her smile, her love, and the beautiful person she is. Please let Rachel and I bury all transgressions and make us new again in each others eyes. Thank you Father for all Your Love
Amen
I love you Rachel Myatt and that will never change!!!!!
God Bless All
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